The FIGHT for Love

Flashback. Sitting in a bed, nauseous, weak, low energy and pale. Today is the day! The day I become new and renewed, again! Re-birth doesn't happen twice in any human's life, normally...so how is this so?

Friends and family come from far places to share. Love can never be forgotten or ignored and in such a dier time of need. Two years of needles, scans, tests, poking and prodding, tubes, towering metal poles, hospitals, doctors, nurses, early wake up calls for blood draws.

For two years during a time when a child is learning how to be themselves and how the world works, there was a child learning about the world, but a part of the world no child (or adult) should ever have to learn about. A day anticipated for over two years is finally here in the present, starring you down. A lingering question hiding in the dark corners of the room, "what if this doesn't work"? There haven't been many that have done this before me.

Experimental treatment relates to a hamster in a roll around ball. The whole world looking in on you with no place to hide or have for yourself. Everyone else is more in control than you and at any moment you can be picked up and tossed around for eyes to observe movement and change.

Today, thoughts carry voices in the passing winds of those lost in the transformation of rebirth. Somewhere something went so wrong, that there was no complete recovery of the worlds definition of "normal" cells. The weak, pale, low energy body couldn't keep up any longer with the constant change and observations of differential outcomes.

Those young and old, male and female, close and distant, one common denominator remains unchanged, year after year. The void can't be filled or forgotten from such a tragic loss. Guilt, shame, regret, anger, frustration, abandonment, anguish, all tear at the remaining heart strings, sometimes all at once. It's hard enough going about and trying to act like something enormous hasn't changed you and your outlook on life. It's hard to move around and pretend for others like it's all alright all of the time.

Heartstrings are precious things. Precious reminders that we are human and have feelings. We have meaning. Purpose. We need love and we can't live without loving in return. Strangers, friends, fo, neighbors, family, teachers, preachers, everyone is someone to someone. Therefore no one should be forgotten by anyone.

There have been days where all I have wanted to do was die so that my friends could live and be with their families. I feel guilt, shame, regret, anger, frustration, abandonment, anguish, just like all the families of those who lost their loved ones.

Guilt- It should have been me, I don't know how to handle the looks that parents give when you meet up shortly after the loss. I feel often like they are thinking, " why couldn't you go so I could see them one last time"? I know full well that I had nothing to do with this loss and that everyone at some point is going to feel unexplainable feelings and I can't change that either.

Shame- Why do I slip into the daily grind of life that others take for granted. I swore I would never do that again. I know the value of life and living to the fullest potential everyday. I know that I should always be working harder to make a better life for myself whether I am eating healthier, taking care of my medical issues or so on.

Regret- Why didn't I talk to them more? Why didn't I make that call when I had that inspiration? Why didn't I just get on a plane and come home? Why couldn't I see the situation more clearly for what it was? Why didn't I do better at being the friend I should have been?

Anger/frustration- I was ready to go, why didn't I? I knew I should have done better. Why did it have to be that way, now? Why couldn't they experience more life and joyous occasions? Why did they finally let go, they were fighters and so strong, what did they know that we don't?

Abandonment- I am the only survivor out of my friends, I don't want to make any more friends who have been in that position so I can't lose anyone else. No one understands how it feels to be my age with this experience and the amount of loss.

Pain- so much going on, words can't fully describe how it feels and why even. Love does funny things to people and gives them strength when needed. Love fills the cracks of emptiness. Memories glaze over the bruises and cuts from our battle scars, they never fully go away.

I celebrate. I celebrate that I made it through darkness, a survivor even if I am the only one. I celebrate the happy times I had with all those involved in that time period so that those who can't be with us in person, can still be remembered and celebrated as well. I celebrate because I am making myself a better person the longer I hold on and FIGHT! I celebrate to thank all those who stood by me and lifted my spirit, those who kept me company and helped me see the light, those who stood by and took the verbal beating and abuse that medication does to a person.

To all those who were involved in my life at that point in time, I celebrate you and your amazing strength that helped carry me through! Thank you for being there, thank you for understanding(or at least trying), thank you for comfort, peace, love, acceptance, normality. Thank you! We celebrate you on this important day, seven years later. You are always in my heart and thought about throughout the whole year, today we celebrate LOVE!