Clouded and Learning

Normally I don't feel this way, but today, I DO.

Growing up I have always been told as part of our religious belief that "Wonderful, Glorious things are in store for you, if only you will believe, obey, endure".

Being in the middle of a heated moment I have clouded judgment right now. I think "This is just what they tell us so that people will deal submissively with the issues we have, and often place on ourselves". I know that my clouded judgment is wrong, but it doesn't change how one feels when they have been totally screwed over royally by those who act illegally or otherwise, wrong.

I was working at a job that I absolutely loved. I loved working with students and helping them find their voice and share with others what they believe so strongly. I loved being able to see Hubbs on occasion when he was in-between classes. I loved most of the people I encountered and worked with. I loved the work I was doing and was willing to take it home most nights, because I believed that much in the job I was doing. Then a week after I was told I was going to become full time and be the leader of the Marketing Team, they tell me I am no longer working there. I have my suspicions and I know that shady stuff has gone on previously with the company. I know also, that they have no real sincere sense of kindness. It's all a show. Even with all the negativity I had seen I still loved the job till this day I was informed I was no longer needed. Bitterness has jaded my perception of this happy, peaceful place I LOVED. When my official last day came, the company and supervisors handled the situation terribly and made others view me as a criminal. With the interactions I had, I felt like I was. I had to be escorted out of the building to my car as if I was going to do what, destroy the halls on my way out? I am not that kind of person and was willing to go quietly even after being screwed. Then my last paycheck came in and it was short by at least 10 hours of pay and when I logged in to check and print my last paystub, they had totally locked me out. So I called and they refuse to talk to me about it. Now my grudge is building and my anger with the people I worked with directly on this is really building as well. People deserve to be treated with respect when it is deserved. I feel that I deserved it. Now I keep hearing more and more stories of other friends who have been let go with situations almost exactly the same as mine. What idiots they are. They will end up having people who  don't care about them and are as insincere as they are working for them and the value of the company will be crap just like the other schools in this field. This school had value and was different from the others, hence, why we decided to come here.

Now my rant is over, lets move on.

This week has been my first of relaxation, kinda.  I have my first doc appointment today. It's taken a year for us t get the insurance issues fixed and working smoothly. Stupid Obama-Care! I haven't seen a doc in about two years because it was so expensive we either had to pay medical bills or rent. Last I knew, there was a spot on my ovary that was new and needed to be followed up on. That was with the last test that I did, over two years ago. Lately I have had lots of pain and some of the symptoms of my cancer previously, have come back. I am also the last remaining survivor of a group of kids who had the same treatment as I back in 2007-2008. So mind you, I am freaking out A LOT! This added stress doesn't help the panic attacks I have started having over the last two years. I had them a lot for a few months back when I was 13 years old. From that time on, I haven't had an episode till my last year in college when I would get them almost hourly from all the stress I was putting myself through with working, school, life and so on. So if you see me in the fetal position, face down, I am dealing with a panic attack and trying to focus on calming my breathing.

I am always learning. Learning to control my clouded judgments and anger. Learning to handle my anxiety better. Learning to interact with others and their differing personalities. Learning how to overcome challenges and situations while still keeping a smile on my face and not letting it get to me. I am sure I probably won't totally learn all these lessons till after I am dead but still, I am trying.

Last weekend Hubbs and I went to a wedding for a friend from college, in Fresno. We stayed with some other friends whom we also met in college and moved there for more schooling. We went to the zoo and had a lot of fun walking around. It was SUPER hot though. Granted we are use to cooler temps anyway.

This update has been brought to you by the word "Learning". Thanks for reading and keeping up with me. I love to write and think. I am hoping that you will read this and think of a topic that I could write about in my next blog. Put down in the comments below things you would like to talk about with me.