Not much good...

When talking to people in our lives that know most of the every day stuff going on in our family stuff, they often ask "when are you guys going to get a break?" I ask the same thing just as any one else does. Today mom told me that Brandy (our 18 year old dog) fell over and couldn't get back up. I knew that they where going to have to put her to sleep but I wasn't sure as to the day or time. I had mentioned to mom this morning that I didn't want to be apart of going with her just because the image of my lovely dog is already tainted by her being ill the last few years and I didn't want to make it worse. But also because with all the death I have had to see through the H I didn't feel like I would be able to emotionally handle it. I thought that maybe later this week we would all go and put her down. When I got home tonight from saying bye to Daniel's family before they leave tomorrow morning, Brook was pacing in the kitchen and I knew something was wrong and asked mom. She told me that they had put Brandy down and gotten home with in the last hour. So Brandy here is your goodbye!
I love you so much and miss you already. I will always try to keep a strong memory of you in my heart. I have been with you for the last 17 years and you have given me so many fun times and memories and not a single negative memory. So loving and excited to be around family. I have written in my journal tonight some of the different memories i have of you and will be printing pics off this next week or so to put in with it. I miss you and will always love you! Hope to see you someday soon in Heaven.

You ever have one of those days where you just can't seem to let things go from your mind and they tend to be on the negative side of things? Negative in the way that they make you sad or over emotional because of the building up of pushing it all aside and trying to forget it all. Well today I think was one of those days for me. It has been building up for some time now and I have just tried to push it aside so that I could better focus on the things right in front of me. I have all these feelings building up and then the issues that come along with being the oldest sibling in a family. I also have other issues I have been trying to work through myself and not getting very far. When I lived in SLC, I had the most amazing people there to help. They noticed first of all that something was wrong and they did something about it to help me. My young women advisers and my wonderful second mom Hazel. Since being here I have come across people that are concerned but they haven't stopped and checked in on a consistent basis to make sure that i'm still doing alright. I have had a few times in the last day or so that when I have talked to them I have thought of being back home in SLC with my leaders there. I have thought lots about the one amazing woman who took me in as her own daughter and still keeps in touch with me. Today I luckily got to see my old boss from the book store (another amazing woman put in my life for a purpose, who I love and adore) she started asking me how things are going so I told her. As I was talking I noticed that I had started to tear up. I gave her a hug cause I had to go and get back to doing something. It reminded me of those late night talks and the hugs I would get. Where I can just sink into them and feel love circling me and pulling me. I also was talking to another friend of mine who is so amazing as well and she did the same thing. I didn't have to go right away so I sat there taking it all in and started to release the tears.

Those who I have talked to recently know what all this is about and why i'm saying it all. But for those who don't know, I have been dealing with things going on here in my life and trying to figure things out that I feel are going no where and trying to figure out what that next move is that I should be doing. I have been praying to know and feel like I am not getting answers and so im trying to make it possible to feel the spirit and it's not coming. I am struggling with emotions from all these issues hitting me right now and they are all going in different directions and I feel that I have to hide it and keep it in so that it doesn't affect those around me. In my journal tonight I compared it to a brick wall. I am this brick wall standing as a barrier between a 300,000 gallon pool and a city on the outside of the wall. There are leaks in the wall where water drips through and others where it's just moist. The pressure is pushing harder and harder against this wall and the wall has to stay up to keep things around it in order and to protect the things around it as well. I am just waiting for the brick wall to fall and everything to be a mess. I don't want it to be that way but that's the way it's all feeling right now to me.

I also feel like when I do get answers that I am looking for I question if it's really my heart telling me to do things or if it's my head playing games with me telling me that it's what I should be doing because that's what I want it to be.

Now I have complained to who ever feels like reading my stuff here and I will try to push on with a smile and hope that somehow very very soon things will ease up enough that things can become clear to me and I can have a release and a direction that needs to be taken for my big issues.

As of any news with Shandra, there really is nothing new that I know of. I know she is out of the H and im not sure where she is and what exactly is wrong with her. I know her parents are back home now too. Please continue to keep her in prayers and if you don't mind adding that I can find that path.

I hope you are having a wonderful day and that you can find the peace you may be searching for. I hope that you can smile today and laugh for even just a moment and being totally carefree when you do so. Best of wishes sent to you from me, with love!
Nighty night (for me anyway)

Issue 32 8-23-2010