Touch of the spirit leading, guiding, and most of all LOVING comfort from the father above.

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and i have been trying to figure some of them out. I occasionally check an email that i have with my father to see if he has decided to try and be decent with his words to me. Like any other time i opened it with a hope that there would be nothing there, however i didn't think that i could possibly be so lucky since about a week ago i had sent him a email simply just telling him to change his email password cause his account had been hacked and was sending bogus emails with virusses attatched. When he sees one email from me he takes off and thinks its permission to send all sorts of things to me at that point and i usually get an inbox full of stuff i don't open either cause its forwards, or cause i see the title and that alone turns me off knowing he has some claim he wants to try and get me to believe again. I opened this one email that said " i need to know what to plan for the..." and it usually deals with asking me about trip plans to slc to see him. Then i read that he wanted to know if i was planning on going on a mission because he was planning on paying for it as if things where all great between us. I started to reply with anger and resentment from past experiences, remembering that he would pay for my college IF i moved out there. He would give me a car IF i moved out there. He wouldn't how ever pay a single penny to any of my medical bills over the last decade. He wouldn't pay a single penny for any camps or events that I WANTED to do. Any time i did bring money up with him it was that i was a burdon to him and that i only came to him for money. He would give me long lectures about where all his money goes and how my mother eats it all up so she can take care of us kids and his claims that paying bills for us to have electricity isn't what the money should be going to, but instead for us to be in a competition soccer league that we didn't even want to be in. So i got going and i got stuck on one sentance and how to phrase it so that he wouldn't come back with a negative tone and going off about a million other things like he usually does. As you will see in the letter i finally end up sending him things kinda changed and now that hurt and anger (i still have btw) I have pushed aside and tried to be the bigger person yet again in this reverse roles situation i call "my life with my parent".

Don't take this the wrong way, but when have you ever been willing to help me with things financially and it not involve attachments? When the issue of money comes up with you, it tends to end up in a big fuss where i end up feeling guilty for things i don't even do or have control over. I would rather keep myself away from your money.

Do you even believe in the gospel anymore? Are you even worthy enough to attend the temple? Do you even believe in the miracles that God creates for each of us anymore? Do you realize that your future depends on you and your actions? I intend on being married and sealed in the temple to my special someone for time and all eternity and i want to be with family who has learned and continues to remember the tender mercies of the Lord. When was the last time that you did something church related purely just for your own knowledge or learning? When did you pray to father in heaven just to thank him for the blessings and chances of being on this earth?

do me a favor if you will. Think long and hard about this and i want nothing but a 100% honest answer from you. I want you to really think about your life and make a list in bullets of all the things your thankful for that the Lord has given you. Show me that you have some sort of a relationship with god. If you haven't talked to him in prayer in the last month asking him to humble yourself or strengthen yourself, Then do it. Do it for me and make that move to start fixing a relationship with me. I don't want your money, I dont want you to buy me over. I don't want anything more than seeing that you are truly a man.

My bet is that you only go to church for the appearance that you are righteous and you only go when the girls are in town it sounds like so that shows me that you dont care about the gospel like you may have once.

Why did you go on your mission? Because your mom told you to. It was expected of you? Your friends did it so why don't you? Or did you go because you really believed every word you spoke where you taught those people? If you really believed it all then why did you fall away from it? You just let it all go in times of struggle, and in doing so you are sending a message to me and the other girls as well. What do you think that message is dad? You had a wonderful blessing and you still do you just need to embrace it again and have a pure love for it. Let the pain, sorrow, anger, regret all go. Move on and forgive yourself. Talk to the lord in having him forgive you as well. It's not an easy task but in the end i am sure you will love yourself more for it, and you will love others as they will love you more.

I don't want bull shit answers from you! I want the truth in its purest form! No one else is reading this but you and me so there is nothing to judge. I want to know these answers for myself. Teach me a lesson in something other than showing malice for god’s children.

I know without a doubt that God is always there holding out a hand reaching to us, and waiting for us to grab it. I know that there is no way i would be here today if it weren’t for his help, strength, patience, and love. There have been times in my life when his love is all i have felt and its been the warmest, dearest love. I know that this church is true. I know that the prophets on the earth today are prophets of God. I know the scriptures are the true history of our church and have been the foundation of it for centuries. I know that life isn't easy practically ever, but with the help of the Heavenly father i have learned so much, grown so much, and become the strong woman i am today. I don't know much of the church, the gospel, and the teachings, but i do know that i love the lord more than anything and i can not wait to live in heaven and be back with my Heavenly Father.

I haven't grown up with a father who showed me love or how to love people with the heart and not the wallet; but in watching the worthy priesthood leaders around me and having the relationship i have with the lord, i know now how it works. I have found peace in who i am and the things that have happened to me in my life. I have accepted most of it and am still working on some. This is an ongoing lesson in life that will never end i'm sure. I know i am happy. I know and am so grateful for those friends who have touched my life these many years and who continue to this very day.

I am so grateful for all the struggles i have had in my life. I mean they weren’t peachy going through them but looking at who i was and who i am... i just can't imagine how else i could have become this way without them. I know i chose these trials before coming down to earth, I think sometimes that i was stupid for doing so, knowing what i would have to go through but i am still so grateful for it. I am grateful for the job i have, I learn so much from it and its making me grow as well because of the talents i have to have to be good at my job. It's not a job many people can do, but i really enjoy it (most days). I am so thankful for the car i have that gets me to each location safely and has kept me safe every time i go driving. I am thankful for the ability to think, write, and speak for myself. If i couldn't do those then there would be no way i would have gotten out into the light of the volunteer work i do with the Hospital. I'm so grateful for that experience because that has been a wonderful turning point in my life. There is no way you can go through that and not be physically changed or spiritually either. Some see only the negative and get lost. Others see the negative but they see the positive more. They see the possibility that awaits them. When i was sick they only reason i saw to fight to survive was for the possibility of something i wanted sooooooooo bad. Now im being told i can't physically have that, but i still have hope that a miracle will happen and i will be blessed with at least one small precious gift. I know that part of what i want i can have as soon as i get my life started it's just a matter of time and having patience. I am so thankful for mom because even when i have been down about things she has been there to lift me up and remind me that there are other people out there worse off than me. She has comforted me and been supportive of me and all the things i do that are affiliated with the Hospital. I am so thankful for being here in the location im in. I have gained so many friends and opportunities i would have NEVER gotten while living in slc. I am thankful EVERYDAY for the chance to be a part of that day or that moment. I take so much for granted and i am only reminded of that when things get hard. I still have my challenges and my struggles with things but i still have hope and i am leaving it up to the lord to help me work it all out. Asking him to lead me and guide me to where i need to be and what i need to be doing. Asking him constantly to give me strength to go through and deal with different things. I am thankful for security, not security as in body guards but in having trust in the lord.

Today i had an experience that helped to remind me of all these little things i have in my life that i need to remember to be thankful for because with out them i would be in a dark hole. I broke down in front of a total stranger because she was inspired to tell me the things the lord had been trying to tell me for who knows how long and i just hadn't been paying attention to it. It hit me like a ton of bricks and suddenly it was all clear again. This is what i needed to hear i think it may help you as well. 2 nephi verses 15, 16, 19,20-23, 34-35. I was so touched when i read this.

I know the lord is there dad, there is no doubt in my mind. Last week there was a huge issues with my paycheck and i was freaking out about it. I had gotten a paycheck two weeks ago and i normally get paid like every two weeks. But i missed the next pay period because we had gone to camp and i had no hours to turn in, the next pay period there was only like 2 hours to turn in still because i had been out of town so i left it to go in with the next batch of hours. So there was one month i had gone without any income what so ever. The next time it was time to turn in my hours for work i had a huge bundle and it was expected to be the biggest amount i had ever turned in and i was expecting a large amount to come in. I had bills to pay, insurance for the car, a tab i had for my last insurance bill i needed to pay off and several other things. The time came and went without any paycheck. I called work to see if they came in and if i was losing my mind thinking i should have had something by then when in reality it wasn't for a while still. They reassured me that i was in fact in good reason to worry. I had been without this check for a week. now with the last paycheck i had gotten i always go through my money and separate it into the different places i need and i manage just enough gas money to get me to the next check. I had forgotten that there was going to be out of town that would cause me not to get money. so i had to stretch my two week supply to a month. I still have no clue how i did it with no income but i did. Now this check is a week late and work is telling me i have to pay a big huge fine to get a stop payment on it and for it to be reprinted and its either pay this ridiculous fine that should have been the companies fine, or i don't get the money. However i had to wait another two weeks before i could report it. So now it's been a month in a half with no income and i have no money anymore to pay for gas, phone bill... ect. That friday night i got a call saying that this family i watch needed me to run over to the house and spend the night cause the dad had just gotten home from a trip for work and desperately needed to go to the er for a medical issue. All i knew when i got to the house was i needed to be over there till at least 2 am when the oher parent would get back to take over. I didn't even know what was wrong. Then when i was there the friend of the family who was there and had to go told me what was going on i found out i would be spending the night most likely because it would have been way too late for me to be staying up and then driving back home. When the mother got home at 430 am she asked me if i could stay the next day till about noon so she could go back to the H. I said sure cause i luckily didn't have work or obligations. I ended up being stuck there the entire day and only left for a few hours to get some rest only to come back and do a repeat the next day. When all was said and done I got paid and it was plenty of money to get my bills paid, gas paid, tithing and even some to buy me lunch the following week. Two months went by with no paycheck and i had turned in more hours by this time as well so was expecting another paycheck and to not take another risk of losing a paycheck i picked it up. I had to report that day as well about the missing one. The mail hadn't come and i was worried about using the money i had gotten to pay this fee. it would have used up that money and i would have been stuck again. Then a lady at work gave me a check for just enough money to pay the fee. She didn't know anything about my situation. She gave it to me as a blessing for helping her out with some things she said. So i called work to report the missing check but it was too late and they had all left. so they would have to get my message on monday when they returned. Sunday morning i was grabbing my keys to drive to church and saw some mail next to them at my seat. I looked at it and it happened to be that missing paycheck. I had been fasting and praying so hard every day that this thing would show up, and that i wouldn't have to pay that fee. Later when i questioned mom about the check being at my seat she had no clue about it. Brylee was the one that spoke up and finally said that she had had a few pieces of my mail in her bag from grandmas that she had forgotten about for two weeks. That Monday i cashed all the checks and added the cash i had been given. I was able to pay everything off and still have just exactly enough left over sor something else i need to get for an event for one of my friends this week. While i was stressing out about this money and not having it i did have faith that i would be taken care of. I did have comfort that things would be taken care of. The lord answered my prayers and blessed me because i was faithful and trusted in him. a miracle happened and it was small and insignificant some may say, but to me it was just further proof that god is always there for us!

I hope that i didn't offend you or anything negative. Im sharing my testimony with you and asking that you open up about this with me and show me who you really are. Show me if the gospel is even a part of your life anymore or if you let all faith go. You're scared im sure, not knowing whats going to happen or what curve ball is going to come your way next, I know that feeling all too well, PLEASE trust in the lord and let the crumbs fall where they will. Have faith, and be believing. Have a positive attitude about things and they will all work out eventually. I promise you, he is there. He loves you dearly and wants to pull you out of your dark holes. Seek him. ponder and be sincere!

As of right now im living my life and doing it week by week. My days change by the hour and its difficult sometimes to keep up with it all. I'm Working as hard as i can to get money to pay for my schooling.
Im am dealing with mini personal issues that are only temporary and being so selfish about it and seeing it in the wrong perspective at times. I know these little issues are really good and for the better and will eventually pay off, just being in the moment of it and focusing on that is what gets to me and is the real struggle. I love waking up and knowing that i made it through another day and it only gets closer to what my wishes are. I don't know where my life will take me. I have hopes and dreams. I also have reality checks that change the course sometimes. I am just working on the things i have to get done this week, then next week i will tackle those and do what i can. }""

That's one subject for today that i wanted to post. I have a few more i will post later about some fun exciting things and events that have happened and that will be coming up. Depending on how late into the day i sleep i may have to get to this saturday sometime in between conference but i will see what i can do. Please post comments, thoughts, feel free to share stories that relate. I am open to hear from other people as well.

Issue 37 10-1-10