Update

I am totally stupid and rediculous for doing this at this hour but i fear if i don't it will be pushed off yet again another day. I have been meaning to get on here for a week or more to update things and just haven't really gotten around to it. (havent really been home to either though )
So to start off with today . work sucked the little girl i was working with for 5 hours was kicking, screaming, and hitting for just about the entire time and so we sat in time out or TRIED to because she kept doing it and it hurt so i didn't want to be around it. After work i had to drop off my record hours for two weeks which was over 50 hours. That's a lot of hard work that is going to pay me greatly! :) When that was done i didn't feel like taking the freeway home like i normally would. It was rush hour and rush hour here is more like rush hourS! So i decided to meander up through Oakland and into beautiful Piedmont with the trees changing color to the beautiful fall brown and reds. Then i kept going and ended up in Montclair and came across the street i used to take when i would drop off the bank deposite for the book store when i worked at the book store. Quick note here. Oakland is known highly for gangs, trash, and "don't stay there long otherwise you aint coming out alive" with a small exageration, that mainly being the saying of being there at night time and in certain areas only during the day. Piedmont and Montclare are pretty areas with victorian houses, lots of trees, quiet, nice areas to go walking around. Montclare is a smaller town feeling with not a whole lots of parking or driving space but fun, upbeat activities going on often. Music playing from restrants that gets you swaying to the sound of jazz, blues, and even some modern hip hop or rock. This is also the hills that these places are so it's well taken care of and there is plenty of hills to get a good walk on. I had also been wanting to go to the temple very badly recently to do baptisms but hadn't found someone to go with me or the motivation to go a half hour out of my way with very little spare time on my side as well. Quick note over. So i found myself up on the street where i used to work and drove by the empty store house window that i could vividly remember the open door with happy smiling faces of memembers walking out with their treasures and the smiling cashiere waving to familiiar faces that walked in or out. I remembered Daniel hiding n the floor behind the hanging shirts on the wall, only to jump out at a passing co worker. I remembered the talks sitting at the counter with coworkers thinking up fun and creative ways to get the cute guy (daniel ) to reveal his secret crushes, or mistchevious and creative ways to get a laugh out of doing the tedious task of stickering the books in races. I saw the empty, white walls followed by the bare floor, vaccant. Realizing that i was holding up the tiny one way street i moved forward to the temple and decided to go walk around the grounds and think. I looked at the clock and it was just about 5 pm here and knew i needed to get home since i hadn't had a real meal all day and mom was expecting me since we hadn't talked to each other yet for the day. So i called and left a message saying i would be home around 630. I really had to use the bathroom so i went to the visitor center and i got stopped by a sister missionary. Usually i try to avoid talking to them because i know the routine that they go through and i am a member so i know the story the tell and i usually just want to be up there to do my own thinking and my own thing. Sister Hamilton asked if i had seen the new exhibit and i mentioned i hadn't and that i would take a look at it after i used the potty. So i did just that. On my way out she stopped me again to aske me about my favorite picture there and continues with " why did it stand out to you most?" I tried to be vague since i wanted to get out side and i had a time limit, but i gave an answer that was true and i kept going with it. I usually try to keep conversations short and make an excape as well. I had the urge to a few times as she kept going on asking me questions about some of the different pictures on the w make Then for someone who was trying to make a short excape i made a big mistake in asking a missionary about christmas events coming up and using a flyer as a missionary helper for an experience i want to share with one of my families.

Then she went with that and started asking me about my work and how i am a good example to others and a light to the world. I for some reason couldn't stop opening my mouth and saying things i normally avoid. Then she said "Lets sit down" I know right then "oh boy this is going to take a while" but i was curteious and listened to what she was saying and followed along and answered her questions. Then she stopped me in my tracks with tryin to ease out. She said " tell me about your conversion story" and i had to think for a bit about what exactly that first moment was. I know there are several different parts to this story but i tried to sum it up and i told her it started when i was dealing with my parents divorce and mentioned that i hadn't been handling things well. I had told a friend of mine at school and he must have been inspired because 13-16 year old boys dont usually say stuff like this. He was a guy i had a crush on and things weren't the greatest in prospects of ever dating each other but we talked once in a while about things and he actually really listened and cared about what i was saying and then said so bluntly that it made me think about things " that is really selfish of you to be thinking that way, think of those that would be left behind and how they would have pain and what they would have to deal with if you did that" I realized that i did have someone who cared. I have more than just someone who cared i had FRIENDS who cared about what was going on and me. So is started to do what i could to fix that and pay attention more in church and participate in things. Through that i i grew to love who i was and the stupid things i had attempted to do a few short months before made me unhappy to think i could think that low of myself. I knew then that there was a lord who wanted to be there for me and help me. Granted there where several people who's comments stood out to me and helped me get there but i think this one was the first comment that really impressed me. Then i went on to talk about the change of california from slc and how i got sick and had to deal with that and not being able to go to church or the temple and how it affected me. I had to teach myself stuff and read my own lessons in order to learn cause no one was coming to teach them to me. I learned more and grew more through out it all but that the teaching myself helped me to grow stronger in my learning and knowledge of that section we had been learning in seminary. Then she asked about my scripture reading and i mentioned that i started the year off right and i got distracted and that i am ashamed with my productivity and progression on that. She opened up her B.O.M. and started reading to me in 2 NEPHI about how he was feeling low because he was letting satin get to him and that he had to remember that the lord is who he trusts and the happyness he feels after he lets the lord take over. I started to cry because it was just too overwhelming with emotions i was having. Then she had me read some and i couldnt do it with out stopping every few words to wipe my eyes so i could see clearly. (i mention the scriptures in the post right before this one) When i was done she gave me several hugs and told me a was headed in the right direction, i was doing the right things, otherwise i wouldn't have been at the temple today and that she wanted to see me again to hear an update on things. So i got her email and information to keep in touch with her since she is leaving soon to go back to england. I had to go home at that point. I had ten minutes to make a 20-25 minute drive back home. There happened to be a crash on the freeway and so i took a detore and managed to get home right on time.

I am too tired right now to remember what day exactly it was now but i think it was the 21st i had a public speaking event with the H. Hyundia was giving a 100,00$ grant to the sphycology department at the H. I have had some envolvement with them so the asked me to speak. They showed a small clip of me in the beginning of treatment and it was touching and brought back memories of things. Like any emotional woman i started to cry when i was giving me speech. Afterwards i found out it was better than i had thought and that "the men in suits cried". From that event i was invited to a big galla event for another branch that i hadn't even heard of before. The guy wanted me to talk and show my clips (this happened before he knew my story btw) and talk. It is going to be a blck tie event and they are going to be doing donatios on site. So on the 23rd of October i will be dressing up in this sexy black dress and my friend is doing my hair for me and my mom might be going as my date to this thing that is 45 mins away from like 5-11 at night. We are having a lunch on the 13th to talk things over and get a layout for how the night should be.

The status on the tv show is i need to write up my ideas for the script of my show and i need to redo the log since it got lost two weeks ago when i was doing some re arranging. Still on for the first show coming out next month. Links will be posted on every page i manage and will also be sent out in a mass email to every person i have ever contacted. Please pass the word on and help get the word out.

On the 8th -11th of October my family and i will be going on a weekend trip with my great uncle Wayne and his scouting trip. It's kinds weird to think that the reason we are even going is cause his son can't be there himself since he was murdered last summer. Shortly after his passing we went to last years trip and it was fun but hard to get over that though, we will see how this year goes. It's going to be bitter sweet as well i imagine! But good thing is i get to learn more about my uncle through all this...

Anyway is FAR beyond my bed time and i have to get up in two hours. Had a very rough week with hardly any sleep. Im exhausted and im sure it shows in my writing as well. I will sleep and i hope you all have a wonderful day full of good common sense!

Issue 38 10-1-10