Supporting Youth

Edward Norton's info page telling about the site. http://mashable.com/2010/06/08/crowdrise-edward-norton/

The site itself http://www.crowdrise.com/

Hello Oprah and BayKids page http://www.crowdrise.com/hellooprah/fundraiser/devorakothari

BayKids home page http://baykids.org/

True Survivors Youtube page http://www.youtube.com/user/truesurvivorsshow

HEY EVERYONE!!!!

I just wanted to let you in on some interesting things. I am in full support of helping out these worthy causes. I know of a WONDERFUL company that does some absolutely wonderful stuff. It's called BayKids. They are a non profit company that goes around to all the children's Hospitals in the bay area and make movies with the patients. They make fun and exciting movies like claymation, stop action, silent, documentaries, and many more. Since they are non profit they are trying to get some money raised so they can get equipment to better the movies they produce and bring to life. A child's dream is so important and BayKids help bring some of those dreams to life. The also create an open door for a patient who is struggling with being ill or with recovery from an accident of some sort; This door is for healing and releasing emotions or expressing different things that each child feels is important to let others in the community know. BayKids is what got me started with following my dreams and is still there supporting me in my current projects (True Survivors) and endeavors. BayKids has been around for TEN years!!!!! They continue to help patients each day with all the volunteer hours and help that they can get.

Edward Norton (actor) has a campaign that he has set up. It's a webpage that helps with fundraising and spreading the word. BayKids is now on this site with a page of their own called "Hello Oprah". The goal is to get enough money raised to get on Oprah's show before she goes off the air. We would like to be able to get BayKids and Edward Norton on there with us, Hopefully with some of the patients that have been involved with the show as well. I LOVE BayKids and am doing everything i can to get the word out about this worthy cause.

If you can spare $1 dollar then that is even great! Please help us out to get on the Oprah show with Edward Norton to spread the word about BayKids and the wonderful stories they help create! If everyone you send this to could donate just a little bit, that gets us a little bit closer to our hopes, goals, and dreams. You had a dream once...

For any questions about any organizations mentioned check out the sites i have added at the top of this message. You can't go wrong here. Sending this message out to your friends, coworkers, family, and peers helps us out by spreading the word.Please do your part. This means so much to me and all the other patients who have benefited from these wonderful caring people, and as well as you, the people who care enough to support and donate to help out a worthy cause.

Have a blessed day and thank you for your time!

Sincerely,

Brittney

"We all have times in our lives where we maybe slack. The most important choice is the next one we make. It doesn't matter what we have done in the past, if our next choice is the right one."
Thanks Ryan!

Issue 40 11-11-10

True Survivors

Im asking you to check out ththese pages. My friend Luis and I are making a show, that will be put online starting at the end of this month hopfully. We need your support in helping to get the word out. Add, subscribe, like, tweet, share, and help us get the word out to all of your friends and family. We know that this show has potential and we want to get it going. We are going to be filming the first show and working on the editing. The goal is to have the first show online the last week of october.

This show will be me and Luey getting real with other kids like us ......who have been in the hospital for periods of time, been inspired, and have survived. We think these kids are so amazing and we want to share that with you. Show support to us survivng cancer patients and tell your friends about it as well. Return back to the page often because we will be posting stuff all the time and when we get shows out we will really be pumping it up! Please help us out! Thanks so much!

The links below are our sites in several different networking sites and if you are on any of these please go to the site and connect with it. The sites aren't totally done or finished being put together, they will be updated all the time. We would really love your support and to have you apart of this special opportunity. We run off of your support. This is going to be so amazing and it has got us ALL so very excited!

Thanks so much!

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=616399282&v=wall&story_fbid=165708300106466&po=1&ref=notif&notif_t=share_comment#!/profile.php?id=100001697042247

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=616399282&v=wall&story_fbid=165708300106466&po=1&ref=notif&notif_t=share_comment#!/pages/True-Survivors/152503594788104

http://www.myspace.com/552361658

http://twitter.com/TrueSurvivors

http://www.youtube.com/user/truesurvivorsshow?feature=mhum

issue 38 10-5-2010

Update

I am totally stupid and rediculous for doing this at this hour but i fear if i don't it will be pushed off yet again another day. I have been meaning to get on here for a week or more to update things and just haven't really gotten around to it. (havent really been home to either though )
So to start off with today . work sucked the little girl i was working with for 5 hours was kicking, screaming, and hitting for just about the entire time and so we sat in time out or TRIED to because she kept doing it and it hurt so i didn't want to be around it. After work i had to drop off my record hours for two weeks which was over 50 hours. That's a lot of hard work that is going to pay me greatly! :) When that was done i didn't feel like taking the freeway home like i normally would. It was rush hour and rush hour here is more like rush hourS! So i decided to meander up through Oakland and into beautiful Piedmont with the trees changing color to the beautiful fall brown and reds. Then i kept going and ended up in Montclair and came across the street i used to take when i would drop off the bank deposite for the book store when i worked at the book store. Quick note here. Oakland is known highly for gangs, trash, and "don't stay there long otherwise you aint coming out alive" with a small exageration, that mainly being the saying of being there at night time and in certain areas only during the day. Piedmont and Montclare are pretty areas with victorian houses, lots of trees, quiet, nice areas to go walking around. Montclare is a smaller town feeling with not a whole lots of parking or driving space but fun, upbeat activities going on often. Music playing from restrants that gets you swaying to the sound of jazz, blues, and even some modern hip hop or rock. This is also the hills that these places are so it's well taken care of and there is plenty of hills to get a good walk on. I had also been wanting to go to the temple very badly recently to do baptisms but hadn't found someone to go with me or the motivation to go a half hour out of my way with very little spare time on my side as well. Quick note over. So i found myself up on the street where i used to work and drove by the empty store house window that i could vividly remember the open door with happy smiling faces of memembers walking out with their treasures and the smiling cashiere waving to familiiar faces that walked in or out. I remembered Daniel hiding n the floor behind the hanging shirts on the wall, only to jump out at a passing co worker. I remembered the talks sitting at the counter with coworkers thinking up fun and creative ways to get the cute guy (daniel ) to reveal his secret crushes, or mistchevious and creative ways to get a laugh out of doing the tedious task of stickering the books in races. I saw the empty, white walls followed by the bare floor, vaccant. Realizing that i was holding up the tiny one way street i moved forward to the temple and decided to go walk around the grounds and think. I looked at the clock and it was just about 5 pm here and knew i needed to get home since i hadn't had a real meal all day and mom was expecting me since we hadn't talked to each other yet for the day. So i called and left a message saying i would be home around 630. I really had to use the bathroom so i went to the visitor center and i got stopped by a sister missionary. Usually i try to avoid talking to them because i know the routine that they go through and i am a member so i know the story the tell and i usually just want to be up there to do my own thinking and my own thing. Sister Hamilton asked if i had seen the new exhibit and i mentioned i hadn't and that i would take a look at it after i used the potty. So i did just that. On my way out she stopped me again to aske me about my favorite picture there and continues with " why did it stand out to you most?" I tried to be vague since i wanted to get out side and i had a time limit, but i gave an answer that was true and i kept going with it. I usually try to keep conversations short and make an excape as well. I had the urge to a few times as she kept going on asking me questions about some of the different pictures on the w make Then for someone who was trying to make a short excape i made a big mistake in asking a missionary about christmas events coming up and using a flyer as a missionary helper for an experience i want to share with one of my families.

Then she went with that and started asking me about my work and how i am a good example to others and a light to the world. I for some reason couldn't stop opening my mouth and saying things i normally avoid. Then she said "Lets sit down" I know right then "oh boy this is going to take a while" but i was curteious and listened to what she was saying and followed along and answered her questions. Then she stopped me in my tracks with tryin to ease out. She said " tell me about your conversion story" and i had to think for a bit about what exactly that first moment was. I know there are several different parts to this story but i tried to sum it up and i told her it started when i was dealing with my parents divorce and mentioned that i hadn't been handling things well. I had told a friend of mine at school and he must have been inspired because 13-16 year old boys dont usually say stuff like this. He was a guy i had a crush on and things weren't the greatest in prospects of ever dating each other but we talked once in a while about things and he actually really listened and cared about what i was saying and then said so bluntly that it made me think about things " that is really selfish of you to be thinking that way, think of those that would be left behind and how they would have pain and what they would have to deal with if you did that" I realized that i did have someone who cared. I have more than just someone who cared i had FRIENDS who cared about what was going on and me. So is started to do what i could to fix that and pay attention more in church and participate in things. Through that i i grew to love who i was and the stupid things i had attempted to do a few short months before made me unhappy to think i could think that low of myself. I knew then that there was a lord who wanted to be there for me and help me. Granted there where several people who's comments stood out to me and helped me get there but i think this one was the first comment that really impressed me. Then i went on to talk about the change of california from slc and how i got sick and had to deal with that and not being able to go to church or the temple and how it affected me. I had to teach myself stuff and read my own lessons in order to learn cause no one was coming to teach them to me. I learned more and grew more through out it all but that the teaching myself helped me to grow stronger in my learning and knowledge of that section we had been learning in seminary. Then she asked about my scripture reading and i mentioned that i started the year off right and i got distracted and that i am ashamed with my productivity and progression on that. She opened up her B.O.M. and started reading to me in 2 NEPHI about how he was feeling low because he was letting satin get to him and that he had to remember that the lord is who he trusts and the happyness he feels after he lets the lord take over. I started to cry because it was just too overwhelming with emotions i was having. Then she had me read some and i couldnt do it with out stopping every few words to wipe my eyes so i could see clearly. (i mention the scriptures in the post right before this one) When i was done she gave me several hugs and told me a was headed in the right direction, i was doing the right things, otherwise i wouldn't have been at the temple today and that she wanted to see me again to hear an update on things. So i got her email and information to keep in touch with her since she is leaving soon to go back to england. I had to go home at that point. I had ten minutes to make a 20-25 minute drive back home. There happened to be a crash on the freeway and so i took a detore and managed to get home right on time.

I am too tired right now to remember what day exactly it was now but i think it was the 21st i had a public speaking event with the H. Hyundia was giving a 100,00$ grant to the sphycology department at the H. I have had some envolvement with them so the asked me to speak. They showed a small clip of me in the beginning of treatment and it was touching and brought back memories of things. Like any emotional woman i started to cry when i was giving me speech. Afterwards i found out it was better than i had thought and that "the men in suits cried". From that event i was invited to a big galla event for another branch that i hadn't even heard of before. The guy wanted me to talk and show my clips (this happened before he knew my story btw) and talk. It is going to be a blck tie event and they are going to be doing donatios on site. So on the 23rd of October i will be dressing up in this sexy black dress and my friend is doing my hair for me and my mom might be going as my date to this thing that is 45 mins away from like 5-11 at night. We are having a lunch on the 13th to talk things over and get a layout for how the night should be.

The status on the tv show is i need to write up my ideas for the script of my show and i need to redo the log since it got lost two weeks ago when i was doing some re arranging. Still on for the first show coming out next month. Links will be posted on every page i manage and will also be sent out in a mass email to every person i have ever contacted. Please pass the word on and help get the word out.

On the 8th -11th of October my family and i will be going on a weekend trip with my great uncle Wayne and his scouting trip. It's kinds weird to think that the reason we are even going is cause his son can't be there himself since he was murdered last summer. Shortly after his passing we went to last years trip and it was fun but hard to get over that though, we will see how this year goes. It's going to be bitter sweet as well i imagine! But good thing is i get to learn more about my uncle through all this...

Anyway is FAR beyond my bed time and i have to get up in two hours. Had a very rough week with hardly any sleep. Im exhausted and im sure it shows in my writing as well. I will sleep and i hope you all have a wonderful day full of good common sense!

Issue 38 10-1-10

Touch of the spirit leading, guiding, and most of all LOVING comfort from the father above.

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately and i have been trying to figure some of them out. I occasionally check an email that i have with my father to see if he has decided to try and be decent with his words to me. Like any other time i opened it with a hope that there would be nothing there, however i didn't think that i could possibly be so lucky since about a week ago i had sent him a email simply just telling him to change his email password cause his account had been hacked and was sending bogus emails with virusses attatched. When he sees one email from me he takes off and thinks its permission to send all sorts of things to me at that point and i usually get an inbox full of stuff i don't open either cause its forwards, or cause i see the title and that alone turns me off knowing he has some claim he wants to try and get me to believe again. I opened this one email that said " i need to know what to plan for the..." and it usually deals with asking me about trip plans to slc to see him. Then i read that he wanted to know if i was planning on going on a mission because he was planning on paying for it as if things where all great between us. I started to reply with anger and resentment from past experiences, remembering that he would pay for my college IF i moved out there. He would give me a car IF i moved out there. He wouldn't how ever pay a single penny to any of my medical bills over the last decade. He wouldn't pay a single penny for any camps or events that I WANTED to do. Any time i did bring money up with him it was that i was a burdon to him and that i only came to him for money. He would give me long lectures about where all his money goes and how my mother eats it all up so she can take care of us kids and his claims that paying bills for us to have electricity isn't what the money should be going to, but instead for us to be in a competition soccer league that we didn't even want to be in. So i got going and i got stuck on one sentance and how to phrase it so that he wouldn't come back with a negative tone and going off about a million other things like he usually does. As you will see in the letter i finally end up sending him things kinda changed and now that hurt and anger (i still have btw) I have pushed aside and tried to be the bigger person yet again in this reverse roles situation i call "my life with my parent".

Don't take this the wrong way, but when have you ever been willing to help me with things financially and it not involve attachments? When the issue of money comes up with you, it tends to end up in a big fuss where i end up feeling guilty for things i don't even do or have control over. I would rather keep myself away from your money.

Do you even believe in the gospel anymore? Are you even worthy enough to attend the temple? Do you even believe in the miracles that God creates for each of us anymore? Do you realize that your future depends on you and your actions? I intend on being married and sealed in the temple to my special someone for time and all eternity and i want to be with family who has learned and continues to remember the tender mercies of the Lord. When was the last time that you did something church related purely just for your own knowledge or learning? When did you pray to father in heaven just to thank him for the blessings and chances of being on this earth?

do me a favor if you will. Think long and hard about this and i want nothing but a 100% honest answer from you. I want you to really think about your life and make a list in bullets of all the things your thankful for that the Lord has given you. Show me that you have some sort of a relationship with god. If you haven't talked to him in prayer in the last month asking him to humble yourself or strengthen yourself, Then do it. Do it for me and make that move to start fixing a relationship with me. I don't want your money, I dont want you to buy me over. I don't want anything more than seeing that you are truly a man.

My bet is that you only go to church for the appearance that you are righteous and you only go when the girls are in town it sounds like so that shows me that you dont care about the gospel like you may have once.

Why did you go on your mission? Because your mom told you to. It was expected of you? Your friends did it so why don't you? Or did you go because you really believed every word you spoke where you taught those people? If you really believed it all then why did you fall away from it? You just let it all go in times of struggle, and in doing so you are sending a message to me and the other girls as well. What do you think that message is dad? You had a wonderful blessing and you still do you just need to embrace it again and have a pure love for it. Let the pain, sorrow, anger, regret all go. Move on and forgive yourself. Talk to the lord in having him forgive you as well. It's not an easy task but in the end i am sure you will love yourself more for it, and you will love others as they will love you more.

I don't want bull shit answers from you! I want the truth in its purest form! No one else is reading this but you and me so there is nothing to judge. I want to know these answers for myself. Teach me a lesson in something other than showing malice for god’s children.

I know without a doubt that God is always there holding out a hand reaching to us, and waiting for us to grab it. I know that there is no way i would be here today if it weren’t for his help, strength, patience, and love. There have been times in my life when his love is all i have felt and its been the warmest, dearest love. I know that this church is true. I know that the prophets on the earth today are prophets of God. I know the scriptures are the true history of our church and have been the foundation of it for centuries. I know that life isn't easy practically ever, but with the help of the Heavenly father i have learned so much, grown so much, and become the strong woman i am today. I don't know much of the church, the gospel, and the teachings, but i do know that i love the lord more than anything and i can not wait to live in heaven and be back with my Heavenly Father.

I haven't grown up with a father who showed me love or how to love people with the heart and not the wallet; but in watching the worthy priesthood leaders around me and having the relationship i have with the lord, i know now how it works. I have found peace in who i am and the things that have happened to me in my life. I have accepted most of it and am still working on some. This is an ongoing lesson in life that will never end i'm sure. I know i am happy. I know and am so grateful for those friends who have touched my life these many years and who continue to this very day.

I am so grateful for all the struggles i have had in my life. I mean they weren’t peachy going through them but looking at who i was and who i am... i just can't imagine how else i could have become this way without them. I know i chose these trials before coming down to earth, I think sometimes that i was stupid for doing so, knowing what i would have to go through but i am still so grateful for it. I am grateful for the job i have, I learn so much from it and its making me grow as well because of the talents i have to have to be good at my job. It's not a job many people can do, but i really enjoy it (most days). I am so thankful for the car i have that gets me to each location safely and has kept me safe every time i go driving. I am thankful for the ability to think, write, and speak for myself. If i couldn't do those then there would be no way i would have gotten out into the light of the volunteer work i do with the Hospital. I'm so grateful for that experience because that has been a wonderful turning point in my life. There is no way you can go through that and not be physically changed or spiritually either. Some see only the negative and get lost. Others see the negative but they see the positive more. They see the possibility that awaits them. When i was sick they only reason i saw to fight to survive was for the possibility of something i wanted sooooooooo bad. Now im being told i can't physically have that, but i still have hope that a miracle will happen and i will be blessed with at least one small precious gift. I know that part of what i want i can have as soon as i get my life started it's just a matter of time and having patience. I am so thankful for mom because even when i have been down about things she has been there to lift me up and remind me that there are other people out there worse off than me. She has comforted me and been supportive of me and all the things i do that are affiliated with the Hospital. I am so thankful for being here in the location im in. I have gained so many friends and opportunities i would have NEVER gotten while living in slc. I am thankful EVERYDAY for the chance to be a part of that day or that moment. I take so much for granted and i am only reminded of that when things get hard. I still have my challenges and my struggles with things but i still have hope and i am leaving it up to the lord to help me work it all out. Asking him to lead me and guide me to where i need to be and what i need to be doing. Asking him constantly to give me strength to go through and deal with different things. I am thankful for security, not security as in body guards but in having trust in the lord.

Today i had an experience that helped to remind me of all these little things i have in my life that i need to remember to be thankful for because with out them i would be in a dark hole. I broke down in front of a total stranger because she was inspired to tell me the things the lord had been trying to tell me for who knows how long and i just hadn't been paying attention to it. It hit me like a ton of bricks and suddenly it was all clear again. This is what i needed to hear i think it may help you as well. 2 nephi verses 15, 16, 19,20-23, 34-35. I was so touched when i read this.

I know the lord is there dad, there is no doubt in my mind. Last week there was a huge issues with my paycheck and i was freaking out about it. I had gotten a paycheck two weeks ago and i normally get paid like every two weeks. But i missed the next pay period because we had gone to camp and i had no hours to turn in, the next pay period there was only like 2 hours to turn in still because i had been out of town so i left it to go in with the next batch of hours. So there was one month i had gone without any income what so ever. The next time it was time to turn in my hours for work i had a huge bundle and it was expected to be the biggest amount i had ever turned in and i was expecting a large amount to come in. I had bills to pay, insurance for the car, a tab i had for my last insurance bill i needed to pay off and several other things. The time came and went without any paycheck. I called work to see if they came in and if i was losing my mind thinking i should have had something by then when in reality it wasn't for a while still. They reassured me that i was in fact in good reason to worry. I had been without this check for a week. now with the last paycheck i had gotten i always go through my money and separate it into the different places i need and i manage just enough gas money to get me to the next check. I had forgotten that there was going to be out of town that would cause me not to get money. so i had to stretch my two week supply to a month. I still have no clue how i did it with no income but i did. Now this check is a week late and work is telling me i have to pay a big huge fine to get a stop payment on it and for it to be reprinted and its either pay this ridiculous fine that should have been the companies fine, or i don't get the money. However i had to wait another two weeks before i could report it. So now it's been a month in a half with no income and i have no money anymore to pay for gas, phone bill... ect. That friday night i got a call saying that this family i watch needed me to run over to the house and spend the night cause the dad had just gotten home from a trip for work and desperately needed to go to the er for a medical issue. All i knew when i got to the house was i needed to be over there till at least 2 am when the oher parent would get back to take over. I didn't even know what was wrong. Then when i was there the friend of the family who was there and had to go told me what was going on i found out i would be spending the night most likely because it would have been way too late for me to be staying up and then driving back home. When the mother got home at 430 am she asked me if i could stay the next day till about noon so she could go back to the H. I said sure cause i luckily didn't have work or obligations. I ended up being stuck there the entire day and only left for a few hours to get some rest only to come back and do a repeat the next day. When all was said and done I got paid and it was plenty of money to get my bills paid, gas paid, tithing and even some to buy me lunch the following week. Two months went by with no paycheck and i had turned in more hours by this time as well so was expecting another paycheck and to not take another risk of losing a paycheck i picked it up. I had to report that day as well about the missing one. The mail hadn't come and i was worried about using the money i had gotten to pay this fee. it would have used up that money and i would have been stuck again. Then a lady at work gave me a check for just enough money to pay the fee. She didn't know anything about my situation. She gave it to me as a blessing for helping her out with some things she said. So i called work to report the missing check but it was too late and they had all left. so they would have to get my message on monday when they returned. Sunday morning i was grabbing my keys to drive to church and saw some mail next to them at my seat. I looked at it and it happened to be that missing paycheck. I had been fasting and praying so hard every day that this thing would show up, and that i wouldn't have to pay that fee. Later when i questioned mom about the check being at my seat she had no clue about it. Brylee was the one that spoke up and finally said that she had had a few pieces of my mail in her bag from grandmas that she had forgotten about for two weeks. That Monday i cashed all the checks and added the cash i had been given. I was able to pay everything off and still have just exactly enough left over sor something else i need to get for an event for one of my friends this week. While i was stressing out about this money and not having it i did have faith that i would be taken care of. I did have comfort that things would be taken care of. The lord answered my prayers and blessed me because i was faithful and trusted in him. a miracle happened and it was small and insignificant some may say, but to me it was just further proof that god is always there for us!

I hope that i didn't offend you or anything negative. Im sharing my testimony with you and asking that you open up about this with me and show me who you really are. Show me if the gospel is even a part of your life anymore or if you let all faith go. You're scared im sure, not knowing whats going to happen or what curve ball is going to come your way next, I know that feeling all too well, PLEASE trust in the lord and let the crumbs fall where they will. Have faith, and be believing. Have a positive attitude about things and they will all work out eventually. I promise you, he is there. He loves you dearly and wants to pull you out of your dark holes. Seek him. ponder and be sincere!

As of right now im living my life and doing it week by week. My days change by the hour and its difficult sometimes to keep up with it all. I'm Working as hard as i can to get money to pay for my schooling.
Im am dealing with mini personal issues that are only temporary and being so selfish about it and seeing it in the wrong perspective at times. I know these little issues are really good and for the better and will eventually pay off, just being in the moment of it and focusing on that is what gets to me and is the real struggle. I love waking up and knowing that i made it through another day and it only gets closer to what my wishes are. I don't know where my life will take me. I have hopes and dreams. I also have reality checks that change the course sometimes. I am just working on the things i have to get done this week, then next week i will tackle those and do what i can. }""

That's one subject for today that i wanted to post. I have a few more i will post later about some fun exciting things and events that have happened and that will be coming up. Depending on how late into the day i sleep i may have to get to this saturday sometime in between conference but i will see what i can do. Please post comments, thoughts, feel free to share stories that relate. I am open to hear from other people as well.

Issue 37 10-1-10

GLEE!

I just found the best website for Glee episodes! http://www.gleeepisodes.org/
Enjoy

Issue 36 9-11-2010

Great day and Many blessings in sight.

I do pay my tithing and i witnessed a blessing the other day. I was at work and this lady i was working with came up and gave me a check for 50$ and told me not to tell anyone else. and that this was just a blessing and that she will do it when ever she can. She said she felt like she really needed to do this to help me out that day. The next day i went to get gas and i put my card in and it was declined. I dont get paid till friday. Sadly it was still a check so i had no money but i managed to magically find 15$in my pocket that i had been given me for helping out with the kids at another job i had done previously that i had forgotten about. So i have that 50$ to pay my phone bill this month and also for 15$ of gas to hold me over till i get paid. So i know paying tithing is what i should do, i do it and i just still struggle. I just wish i didn't have to struggle so much ALL THE TIME.

Just a little blessing i witnessed and felt like sharing with you all. I know i have posted some kinda downer and not so happy posts lately and so i wanted to post something great!

Today is something great as well. I had the whole day off and nothing really that i needed to do other than cash that check. (which i still didn't get to, been too busy to go down the street) I took my sisters to seminary for their first day and then came home to try and sleep for another hour or so. Then shortly after 9 i got up and put my work out clothes on and my ipod together and went down stairs to attack the storage closet. I found all my boxes i had in there from moving out here. I went through each and everyone of them. I rearranged them so i could fit more. I crammed what ever i could into the boxes so i had less boxes there. It was mostly old clothes and stuffed animals. I got rid of things. Then when i was done down there (two hours later) i went upstairs to go through everything i had up there. I cleaned all the piles of things i had all around the apartment. I put it all away, condensed, threw away, straightened and packed everything i could into boxes. I organized everything today in a fashion that will be most helpful when i move to idaho, or if that doesn't work out, when i move out in general. I put the things i would need for school into one box and things i could leave home in another and then put them in storage. Now i have everything but the basic essentials packed. I fit every piece of clothing (minus coats, which are in their own suitcase) into a huge suitcase. It's so big i can fit in it if i want to. When i leave i will take with me the two suitcases. One tub of blankets with a heating blanket included. One small tub of books for school. One small box of things like pictures, speakers, scriptures, so on and so forth, that i will leave open so i can use when ever. I will take a small shelf thing, and my filing cabinet. I am so proud of myself today and all the work i got done. I am also proud that i did other things in the house as well to help mom. Im proud that i got all the packing done (for no reason really) in one day.

With Daniel gone, now i have all this time to do projects. I have an ongoing, never ending project with music. I was putting the names on all the songs that didn't get recognized by itunes. But last night i realized in my attempt to copy all the files on my computer to my external hard drive, some how i lost all my itunes collection. Thats 10,000 songs. Over a weeks worth of movies. Over a weeks worth of tv shows. 4 months of podcasts. I found it somewhere in all my searching but it wouldn't transfer back to my itunes so i have to figure it all out soon.

Also once i get paid on friday i can pay the application fee for byu-i. Im praying that things will work out with that. That i can get healthcare that will cover me entirely or that i can find two and between them i would be taken care of. Im also praying for financial aid to come through and scholarships or something so that i can pay for everything i will need once i move out. Like car insurance, living, food, school, and all that good stuff. If you could help me out by praying for that as well, it would be apprieciated!

Brook and Brylee are now both in high school and seminary so it makes getting them to school easy. They seem to like it now that they are back on a schedule and doing things productive to keep busy. Brylee seems to be adapting well and it helps that Brook is there with her.

Daniel is loving being out of the home and with new people his own age. He has in interesting roomate that will keep things alive. I think it will be easier for him to be away from me that long because this roomate seems to be just as silly as i am. He dressed up with a cape and all that good stuff while i was on webcam with Daniel tonight. They go and play ball or sports often so that's really good. Classes start tomorrow and he is signed up for 5 classes i believe. He wants to get at least 14 credits but hoping for 17. He is looking for work and so we are praying for that as well (you can join if you would like). The transition of being apart has actually been better than i expected. We get free unlimited calling to each other since we are on the same company. It costs him a 1$ a day to talk to me when ever his phone is activated. We also have skype and have done that a few times a day. Checking in with each other. I talk to him more now than i did when he lived here. (Minus the whole being in person thing. We didn't talk on the phone for more than a minute cause we were always together)

anyways that's how things are here with me right now so ill let you all go and enjoy your time. Best of luck to you all and have a great week. Talk to you later! and with me luck!

Issue 35 9-8-2010

Blessings/Challenges

So for the last week i have been going kinda crazy. I found out friday morning last week that Daniel, Steph, and Justin where all leaving today for school and I knew it was coming but I didn't know that fast. So i thought I should probably get started on a gift for him. I gave his sister something and needed to get his. So i went to the store after finding out what top five pics Daniel and i both like and I printed out the pictures and got the stuff to make my project work.



I did a travel package for him, every 50-100 miles or so i have a package for him to open up. I wrote up the directions to the place he was staying and in those directions I also encorperated the directions for the gifts. I gave him some treats that he likes that he can munch on. He doesn't know that I have his old box cutter that our friend Ellie had decorated for him when we all worked together. I am giving that to him for his second to last gift so that he has something to open his boxes with. Then with the pictures i planned on just doing one colage with them so that he could put them in a picture frame i got him, But i got into it and ended up making five of them. I am lucky to have a laminator machine and so i laminated them all. I also printed out some wallet size pics of our favorite ones and did them as well. He will be starting his trip in an hour in a half. Right now they are all at the Epling house sleeping so they could avoid sitting in the holiday traffic that plagues the Bay Area! So then they will be driving for 14 hours and wait a day or two till they need to move in and get started on classes. I have been spending every spare moment i can with Daniel to make sure we get time in for us. This is going to be a huge challenge for me and i have already broken down several times today alone! I would stay up till three doing the little quiet project and then i would get up at 6 or sometimes 7 and do the loud projects that required me blasting rock and roll music to make a mix tape for him to listen to and keep him awake with as he drives. Last night and the last few nights I have gone over to his place to help him pack and we have had some fun times.



I just got a "FLIPCAM": in the mail the other day for the tv show that i am working on and so i have been playing around with that and i can try and post some of the vids i have done so far with that. This morning i went over right after dropping off my sisters for school with the impression that I would help Daniel load up his car really fast and then they would be off by 10 am. We got his stuff all done and loaded in like thirty minutes.



Then i had asked him to give me a blessing, I have had several things on my mind lately and have been looking for direction and guidance and felt that a blessing would be the best thing. So after we got Daniel's car all packed up we went and he gave me a blessing. He kinda knew some of the things i have been thinking about but nothing of real detail, yet the blessing was spot on. Proving to me that the words do come from the lord. As he was speaking i starte crying and when the blessing was over i had tears streaming steadily down my cheeks. Daniel still isn't totally sure as to why but he just sat there watching me not really sure what to do or how to handle it. I am so thankful that my man has the presthood and knows how to listen to the spirit to help me out. I was so glad to have him in my life to do that for me today it was the best part of the whole day.



As the day went on things just kept changing and getting later and later and difficulties arised. I had to be to work at 5 so shortly after 4 i had to leave everyone and Daniel made me promise that I wasn't going to cry more than three times. He thinks im at two right now. I get emotional and a tear or two fall, but on my way to work i couldn't contain myself so there was a river starting in my car. Hey, don't judge, i love this man and he is the greatest. He makes me so happy and loves me for me and who i am. He enjoys me and we are great together. He has been so much of my life that he and I are both kinda worried as to what i will do now with all that free time. I do have lots to do and hope it will keep me distracted from how much i will miss him but im sure that is only wishful thinking right now. I need to get ready to go to BYU-I in April of next year.

So this is my day and i am just waiting for the call saying they are getting started on driving which will be with in the hour hopefully. So sleep well yall or what ever it is
your doing enjoy! I will sit on the couch all cuddled in my enormous robe and grib and hug tightly the plastic bag containing Daniel's sweatshirt that he sprayed for me to smell over the next four months.

One of the reasons this is so hard for me to say bye to him is cause I have had a long distance relationship with every one i have dated up till i met him. I thought that i wouldn't have to go through that again and i know what is coming.

Have a great night and ill talk to you later.

Issue 33 9-3-2010

Not much good...

When talking to people in our lives that know most of the every day stuff going on in our family stuff, they often ask "when are you guys going to get a break?" I ask the same thing just as any one else does. Today mom told me that Brandy (our 18 year old dog) fell over and couldn't get back up. I knew that they where going to have to put her to sleep but I wasn't sure as to the day or time. I had mentioned to mom this morning that I didn't want to be apart of going with her just because the image of my lovely dog is already tainted by her being ill the last few years and I didn't want to make it worse. But also because with all the death I have had to see through the H I didn't feel like I would be able to emotionally handle it. I thought that maybe later this week we would all go and put her down. When I got home tonight from saying bye to Daniel's family before they leave tomorrow morning, Brook was pacing in the kitchen and I knew something was wrong and asked mom. She told me that they had put Brandy down and gotten home with in the last hour. So Brandy here is your goodbye!
I love you so much and miss you already. I will always try to keep a strong memory of you in my heart. I have been with you for the last 17 years and you have given me so many fun times and memories and not a single negative memory. So loving and excited to be around family. I have written in my journal tonight some of the different memories i have of you and will be printing pics off this next week or so to put in with it. I miss you and will always love you! Hope to see you someday soon in Heaven.

You ever have one of those days where you just can't seem to let things go from your mind and they tend to be on the negative side of things? Negative in the way that they make you sad or over emotional because of the building up of pushing it all aside and trying to forget it all. Well today I think was one of those days for me. It has been building up for some time now and I have just tried to push it aside so that I could better focus on the things right in front of me. I have all these feelings building up and then the issues that come along with being the oldest sibling in a family. I also have other issues I have been trying to work through myself and not getting very far. When I lived in SLC, I had the most amazing people there to help. They noticed first of all that something was wrong and they did something about it to help me. My young women advisers and my wonderful second mom Hazel. Since being here I have come across people that are concerned but they haven't stopped and checked in on a consistent basis to make sure that i'm still doing alright. I have had a few times in the last day or so that when I have talked to them I have thought of being back home in SLC with my leaders there. I have thought lots about the one amazing woman who took me in as her own daughter and still keeps in touch with me. Today I luckily got to see my old boss from the book store (another amazing woman put in my life for a purpose, who I love and adore) she started asking me how things are going so I told her. As I was talking I noticed that I had started to tear up. I gave her a hug cause I had to go and get back to doing something. It reminded me of those late night talks and the hugs I would get. Where I can just sink into them and feel love circling me and pulling me. I also was talking to another friend of mine who is so amazing as well and she did the same thing. I didn't have to go right away so I sat there taking it all in and started to release the tears.

Those who I have talked to recently know what all this is about and why i'm saying it all. But for those who don't know, I have been dealing with things going on here in my life and trying to figure things out that I feel are going no where and trying to figure out what that next move is that I should be doing. I have been praying to know and feel like I am not getting answers and so im trying to make it possible to feel the spirit and it's not coming. I am struggling with emotions from all these issues hitting me right now and they are all going in different directions and I feel that I have to hide it and keep it in so that it doesn't affect those around me. In my journal tonight I compared it to a brick wall. I am this brick wall standing as a barrier between a 300,000 gallon pool and a city on the outside of the wall. There are leaks in the wall where water drips through and others where it's just moist. The pressure is pushing harder and harder against this wall and the wall has to stay up to keep things around it in order and to protect the things around it as well. I am just waiting for the brick wall to fall and everything to be a mess. I don't want it to be that way but that's the way it's all feeling right now to me.

I also feel like when I do get answers that I am looking for I question if it's really my heart telling me to do things or if it's my head playing games with me telling me that it's what I should be doing because that's what I want it to be.

Now I have complained to who ever feels like reading my stuff here and I will try to push on with a smile and hope that somehow very very soon things will ease up enough that things can become clear to me and I can have a release and a direction that needs to be taken for my big issues.

As of any news with Shandra, there really is nothing new that I know of. I know she is out of the H and im not sure where she is and what exactly is wrong with her. I know her parents are back home now too. Please continue to keep her in prayers and if you don't mind adding that I can find that path.

I hope you are having a wonderful day and that you can find the peace you may be searching for. I hope that you can smile today and laugh for even just a moment and being totally carefree when you do so. Best of wishes sent to you from me, with love!
Nighty night (for me anyway)

Issue 32 8-23-2010

Prayers for Shandra.

This morning shortly after I woke up, I got a call from my aunt that my cousin got hit by a car last night. The story as of right now to my knowledge is that she was riding her bike in Chico where she is living, and got hit by a car. She has to have a pin in her ankle. This cousin is two years older than me and she was the first friend i had once I moved to California. She took care of me and kept me out of trouble. My rides to and from seminary and school. Me and her are really close and I am asking that prayers go out for her recovery to be complete and fast. Bless that she will not be in too much discomfort and that she will be taken care of as well. I know when she has issues and goes to the hospital she tends to flip out sometimes and has panic attacks. Please keep her in your prayers as well if you don't mind.

What's going on here with my family and I lately is keeping busy. My sisters are getting ready for high school to start up and they are filling out all the paperwork. They just took their id pictures the other day and now they know what classes they are in. Brylee is just starting high school so she is going to be a newbe! Mom is good, busy with work and everything else that comes with her life and being a mom as well.

As for myself, I am so busy lately i am literally only home to sleep. I have been spending lots of time this week with Daniel's family and I am enjoying it all too! I then leave for a few hours to get some work in and then return after to watch a movie or talk with his sisters. Work is ok, I have been working everyday this week. Not many hours but enough to help. School isn't going to happen for me this semester because i have no money. I have to pay mom back for my car insurance bill this last time. So that's what im doing now is just working as much as i can to get money to pay for everything i need money for.

Daniel and I have never been better! He is a sweetheart. We have been dating for over nine months and we haven't had a single fight. We have miscommunications rarely and he makes sure I am happy and that we are good. We talk all the time about how our days are and what's going on with the other person. We try and hang out together every day and spend some quality him and I time at least once a week.

This is short and sweet but please keep Shandra in your prayers and have a great week. Talk to you all soon!

Issue 31 8-20-2010

If i could sit in the Lord's embrace.

If i could have a sit down conversation with the Lord right now i would first ask him for a big huge hug to ease this feeling i feel. I would then sit next to him in his loving embrase and just poor out my heart to him. I would also ask him several questions i have wondered through out my years so far and here are a few of them: (these aren't all from recent times in my life but for a while)

Lord why do i have to feel this agony and pain. Pain from other people's situations and pain from mine being exaggerated by other people?

Lord, why do people have to be so demanding and critical of everything and never be thankful or acknowledge any thanks for the good things that are done for them?

Lord, with all that i have gone through in my life so far, what is in store for me when i get older? Like when most people get sick or have issues in their lives i have had to deal with?

Why did i choose these things in the pre mortal life when i knew i would suffer like i have?

Why can't there be peace among nations all over, so that those fighting can be home with their families and STAY home, safe!?

When will that day come that there will be total peace for everyone and we can live with you again?

Why did we have to lose total memory of everything when we came here? Why couldn't we keep some of that? Like the feeling of talking to you face to face.

Why did you make the sky blue?

How big is space really?

What's it like in heaven? Are all my friends there that have left me behind?

How will the family situation work out up there after we are all gone from earth?

What was the inspiration behind the shape, design, colors, and purpose of some living creatures? ex. insects, bugs, large water animals, and small noisy pets like cats and dogs.

When can i sit in your embrase and physically feel your love encircling me again?

I know i was put here to learn but what where all the things i was meant to learn?

Is there a purpose for my being here other than learning how to grow?

Will my dad be the man who plays my earth father when we are all together in heaven or will i be blessed to have someone else to take that place and truly love me that way?

Is Nanna dancing up there? Is grandpa with me when i ask for him to be? Is Bri playing soccer and cooking to her hearts content? Is Jake flying around making people smile?

Do animals have animal spirits after they die or do they have spirits that humans can talk to and understand?

I heaven like living on clouds?

Why do we have fingers and toes shaped like they are and in the number amount that they are?

What about the people who are mentally disabled and can't talk much to us, are they still in contact with you and able to see you?

Why is it little kids can see those who have passed on shortly after but the adults can't?

Are there ghosts who follow me everywhere i go, living in the same space as me and watching me? Do they talk to me and try telling me things and im just too tuned out i can't hear it?

Am i living a worthy enough life to be happy forever in the celestial kingdom or do i just think that and am really not totally there?

What am i supposed to do for a career for the rest of my life?

Why does it seem like one thing after another? Is it me being punished for something im doing or what? If so, what am i doing so terribly wrong?

When will i die? I would like to know so i can get in all the things i want to get done here on the earth done like sky diving, and being a mom, and seeing grandchildren, and seeing something so majestic that it brings me to tears and/or takes my breath away.

Why does it seem like good/bad things happen to bad people and even worst things happen to good people?

Why does it seem like the most wicked of people last on the earth longer than those who aren't so wicked?

Who is my spirit mom?

Thank you for my friends who are there to help make my days brighter and more easy going and fun. Thank you for the people you have placed in my life to make me laugh and smile. Thank you for people who try so hard to help me be a better me. Thank you for sweet grandparents who spoil and give me plenty of hugs. Thank you for the chance to go to church again and feel spiritually strong everyweek. Thank you for the beauty of the earth and the landscape you left for me to see. Thank you for every chance i get to leave a part of me behind for future generations. Thank you for all the luxuries i get to enjoy like a car, computer, nice comfy warm bed, clothes that are clean, a home, food, job, and the education and strength that i do have. Thank you for the ability to think and act for myself. Thank you for the chances i get to better myself and make things around me better as well. Thank you for the temples to go and do work in and to walk around. I love the peace and comforting feeling i have when i am there. Thank you for this oportunity to talk with you again! Dear Lord i love you and am so glad you know me and i get to learn of you.

Please keep me strong in every way. Please be there holding me when i am in need of comfort and can't find it elsewhere. Dear Lord please comfort those around me who need it as well. Help me to see and notice the things i can do to help. Help me to keep the patience i do have as i continually learn to have more. Please continue to put spiritually strong people in my path that i can learn from. Please let me have friends who can relate to me and who understand me in my situations. Please bless my entire family that we can grow stronger together and have relationships with everyone in the family where we can feel comfortable with each other. Help those who are sick, that they can recover and live a life to help others around them as well. Please keep in touch with me and keep that door open for me to enter in. Please bring me home to you soon, but keep me here as long as i can do good and am needed.I will go and do what you ask of me and i will do my best to be my best. Thank you Lord.

Issue 30 8-12-2010

Time for Rest? Mwahahahahah NO!

AGAIN!? another very late night and very little sleep, after a very busy day. So yesterday as you know i helped out with the teen survivor cancer event. I had fun and enjoyed myself. Glad that Daniel went with me and that Luis was there so i at least knew one person. He was the only survivor i really know. So we spent the day together the three of us. Took almost three hundred pics. Then afterward Daniel and i chose to go play some ball. so we went to his old high school. We both where in the sun from 10 am till sunset. I didn't get home till ten. I made it an early night because i knew i needed to get up at 5 am today. I ended up not going to bed till 1:30 this morning. Got up at 5 for work and arrived at work at 6 am. The kid i was watching woke up at 6:30 and was active from that point till later when he hit his head. But im getting a hold of myself. This kid has some family matters i can relate to with my own past. He is easily aggravated and gets set off easily. You can't raise your voice with this kid and so you have to stay calm. He throws nasty tempers often so it's a challenge. Today i asked him "please don't do that, i don't like that." He got mad at that and started pounding the table and screaming. Then later i tried to get him dressed so we could walk down the street to an event his grandma was hosting. He didn't want to get dressed so he went running around the house screaming and yelling. I tried to make hime laugh and he thought it was a game and funny that he wasn't getting dressed and it was taking for ever. He was driving me nuts. i told him "we need to get you dressed so that we can go for a walk and meet nanna, and get a balloon, and play with some other kids" He didn't like that and starte throwing things and hitting me, calling me names and all sorts of things. FINALLY, i got that kid dressed in clothes he picked out. None of which matched but he was dressed and we where now on our way. Once there we met his nanna and then walked around looking for things she wanted him to do. There was a kiddy race that he wanted to be part of, but cause he took so long getting ready he had missed it. We ended up running around the track anyway with some other little kids. He wasn't paying attention to where he went and ran straight into another little boy. They both fell and hit the ground hard. This little boy was screaming bloody murder. I checked his head (he hit it on concrete REALLY HARD!) to make sure he didn't crack it. I tried to get him to calm down. The other people around me flipped out and wanted him to go to see the ambulance and have them check him out. I have this kid in my arms still screaming and making a scene. The guys at the ambulance didn't want to come close cause he was loud, however there was this one that came up and when i looked up at him to tell him what was wrong, He winked at me! URG! But it's also a compliment as well! He started flirting with me too and what not. He thought i was this kids mom. So the event ended after that and i ran down to Daniels for church. I drove today for the first time in a while. After church we went out to start and go. My car wouldn't start so we went in and got some guys to ocme out and help out. We couldn't call my retired mechanic grandpa cause he was in church so we sat in the parking lot for like at least like three hours waiting for someone to get back to us. Mean while there was a steady stream of people coming to check out the car and give their thoughts as to what they thought the problem was. Then we got a ride home and grandpa , Daniel, and I all went back out there to check it out. Then we came home and Daniel drove me home. I realized once home that i didn't have my phone and i needed it for tomorrow's big day, so the sweetheart he is, drove me back out there. But before that we dropped off the stuff i pulled from my car and we grabbed stuff to put into the D.I. trailer. I have this old tv from my grandfathers house before he passed away(when i was 10). I pulled the tv out of the room and stated that it was the one from gpa, then i burst into tears and well realized im attatched to a stupid tv with sentimental value. so bottom line we left that home and went to get my phone. Now im done uploading and telling my story in vague detail. I am so very tired and need sleep and so i will be getting up again at an insane hour for more babysitting and a crazy day of hitching rides off of any one possible and available to help me out the next couple days. That's my story and im sticking to it. Night and all sleep well. TOOTLES!

Issue 29 7-11-10

Teen Survivor Event

The lay out for the day.



The boys playing ball for a bit!

singer that came and played at the end of the event. He was good too!
Cancer Sucks! (spanish)

snow cones!
the lady in the light blue is a nurse from cho. This is her comedy improve group that performed today!
This is one of the buttons that was made at the event that i thought was kinda neat. So now i have one.
Luis and Cyndi one of our nurses from CHO.


Felix, another guy who is adding to Luis and me, with our events this summer! BIG NEWS! I'll tell you all about later.
My love!


Dunking booth. Luis throwing to dunk Pam (below), one of the docs from CHO.



The survivor circle, getting to know each other.
Playing around in the bouncy before things got started.


For me it is still Saturday right now. Today i helped out at an event for the H and i did the photography. I dont have the time to post all the pics right now from the event but i can post some of the best. I will do my best to get them all on here for you to enjoy. I will try and also update soon. I have just been so busy i don't have time to think about anything other than what im doing that moment basically. Anyways enjoy! I'm going to get some sleep, I have to get up in about four hours for work. I will be babysitting and being a photographer for another H event. This event is for a different H, nearby. The lady im babysitting for will be working the event and is paying me for taking pics for her. My first paying Photo job.

Issue 28 7-11-10