Clouded and Learning

Normally I don't feel this way, but today, I DO.

Growing up I have always been told as part of our religious belief that "Wonderful, Glorious things are in store for you, if only you will believe, obey, endure".

Being in the middle of a heated moment I have clouded judgment right now. I think "This is just what they tell us so that people will deal submissively with the issues we have, and often place on ourselves". I know that my clouded judgment is wrong, but it doesn't change how one feels when they have been totally screwed over royally by those who act illegally or otherwise, wrong.

I was working at a job that I absolutely loved. I loved working with students and helping them find their voice and share with others what they believe so strongly. I loved being able to see Hubbs on occasion when he was in-between classes. I loved most of the people I encountered and worked with. I loved the work I was doing and was willing to take it home most nights, because I believed that much in the job I was doing. Then a week after I was told I was going to become full time and be the leader of the Marketing Team, they tell me I am no longer working there. I have my suspicions and I know that shady stuff has gone on previously with the company. I know also, that they have no real sincere sense of kindness. It's all a show. Even with all the negativity I had seen I still loved the job till this day I was informed I was no longer needed. Bitterness has jaded my perception of this happy, peaceful place I LOVED. When my official last day came, the company and supervisors handled the situation terribly and made others view me as a criminal. With the interactions I had, I felt like I was. I had to be escorted out of the building to my car as if I was going to do what, destroy the halls on my way out? I am not that kind of person and was willing to go quietly even after being screwed. Then my last paycheck came in and it was short by at least 10 hours of pay and when I logged in to check and print my last paystub, they had totally locked me out. So I called and they refuse to talk to me about it. Now my grudge is building and my anger with the people I worked with directly on this is really building as well. People deserve to be treated with respect when it is deserved. I feel that I deserved it. Now I keep hearing more and more stories of other friends who have been let go with situations almost exactly the same as mine. What idiots they are. They will end up having people who  don't care about them and are as insincere as they are working for them and the value of the company will be crap just like the other schools in this field. This school had value and was different from the others, hence, why we decided to come here.

Now my rant is over, lets move on.

This week has been my first of relaxation, kinda.  I have my first doc appointment today. It's taken a year for us t get the insurance issues fixed and working smoothly. Stupid Obama-Care! I haven't seen a doc in about two years because it was so expensive we either had to pay medical bills or rent. Last I knew, there was a spot on my ovary that was new and needed to be followed up on. That was with the last test that I did, over two years ago. Lately I have had lots of pain and some of the symptoms of my cancer previously, have come back. I am also the last remaining survivor of a group of kids who had the same treatment as I back in 2007-2008. So mind you, I am freaking out A LOT! This added stress doesn't help the panic attacks I have started having over the last two years. I had them a lot for a few months back when I was 13 years old. From that time on, I haven't had an episode till my last year in college when I would get them almost hourly from all the stress I was putting myself through with working, school, life and so on. So if you see me in the fetal position, face down, I am dealing with a panic attack and trying to focus on calming my breathing.

I am always learning. Learning to control my clouded judgments and anger. Learning to handle my anxiety better. Learning to interact with others and their differing personalities. Learning how to overcome challenges and situations while still keeping a smile on my face and not letting it get to me. I am sure I probably won't totally learn all these lessons till after I am dead but still, I am trying.

Last weekend Hubbs and I went to a wedding for a friend from college, in Fresno. We stayed with some other friends whom we also met in college and moved there for more schooling. We went to the zoo and had a lot of fun walking around. It was SUPER hot though. Granted we are use to cooler temps anyway.

This update has been brought to you by the word "Learning". Thanks for reading and keeping up with me. I love to write and think. I am hoping that you will read this and think of a topic that I could write about in my next blog. Put down in the comments below things you would like to talk about with me.

Weekend Reunion

This week has been an interesting one for sure!

I decided since I am staying at home now during the days I might as well get to work on my many to do lists that have been in progress for some time. Now I think I got ahead of myself here and started on too many of them all at once.

Hubbs and I have a fairly large music collection of over 10,000 songs (not counting Christmas Collection of all of our religious churchy music) that we have been trying to maintain by having labels for every song and putting them in one location that we can both have access to on our computers, but also have backed up in case or theft or something else. Since previously my attempts vanished in the robbery of our car the week we moved, (car got broken into in Walmart Parking lot and my computer was stolen. The back-up files were only readable by my computer... OOPS! So we lost all wedding photos and everything!) we have been trying to get everything recovered that we can. Life hasn't been as pleasing to us in regards to getting stuff done that we want to do, let alone the things we need to do, like the constant heaping mountain of laundry that never seems to be done, or the towerous landscape of dishes that magically appear and fill every empty space in our kitchen.

We recently purchased an external hard drive that connects to the Wi-Fi at our house, so I have slowly been going through each cd, one-by-one copying them over to my computer so I can transfer them over to the hard drive and making sure I-tunes doesn't take over again.

Next project was to be the perfect house wife and have the house always clean, food on the table when the husband came home and still be able to manage my time for crafts and things that need to get done like making appointments, shopping and so on... That hasn't happened once!

Reality is, I haven't been feeling all that well so among my many attempts to TRY getting on top of everything I am fighting pain and fatigue.

I wanted to start working out everyday as well to make myself lose weight and start feeling a little more satisfied with me and fitting into my clothes again. I have been so focused on daily grind stuff for the last two years, that I have kind of forgotten about me and what I need to do to stay healthy and in shape. I also don't have the money to be going out and buying a whole new wardrobe because my body decided to go rogue and gain a bunch of weight. Oh Yeah! Forgot to add in one note, my body, decided it wanted to go into menopause so everything I knew about handling my body has gone right out the window and I am on fire like ALL THE TIME! It's ridiculous. Seriously, I want to live in an ice bath most all day because these hot flashes don't hardly ever go away. It's like the furnace broke and went to 1,000 degrees all the sudden and stays there. So if ever you see me out and about and I look miserable, it's just the flashes talking.

I have started blogging again and I am so glad about this because I really do have a lot going on in this head of mine and by doing this, I finally can get my deep thoughts out and feel more complete with everything. I like to have time to myself to just get deep. Thinking about the cosmos and our future after we die and what others beyond the veil are doing. Is pops watching me, is he proud? Is he guiding me to be the person I want to be or is he too busy doing what he needs to be doing? What is my purpose on this earth? If I have gone through so many life challenges that most people don't experience till in their 50's or older, what else is in store for me? If I am going through these challenges so young, then I guess I can expect harder times to come in my older adult years?

While I was in school busting tail trying to get smart and all, I literally was doing homework 24/7. NO JOKE! Then I figured after we graduated and moved, I could start being an adult and enjoy my evenings. Specially since there isn't any kids to run around. Hubbs would be busy studying and I figured I would have nothing to do. WRONG AGAIN! I have so much to do and so little time to do it, I just don't have a demanding job anymore, that's it.

How do these house wives do it? How do they get everything done, stay happy, have great relationships and money to enjoy? Well I guess I should find out! I want to have some money to play around with. Though it wouldn't really be throwing anything away. I would use it to take a class I have been wanting to take for a while. The class is based in St. George and is 4 days long. The pre-class portion is done online and the whole program is going to cost $2,000. This class focuses on the body's connection to the spirit and working together to clear blockages in the body that are harmful and causing negative outcomes. The program teaches you how to find these blockages and clearing them out by connecting two energy sources, the client and administrator (me). To some this sounds like a hoax I know, I was there when I first heard about it. Then out of curiosity I had it done to me and light bulbs started coming on. It makes so much sense and it's all natural. The body has to be open and willing for it to happen for the change to take place. Just like with Chiropractic. Everything we are learning with Hubbs in school is that the body wants to heal itself. Sometimes it just needs a little help and that is what everyone is trying to figure out. How do we help the body with this natural process. Some want to speed it up or put a band-aid on it and ignore it temporarily (medication), others want natural healing that eliminates bit by bit and has a better outcome.

Making a statement like that sounds bias and one sided. I just want to state that I use pills. I hate them, but I do it out of desperation for immediate cover, then I use the natural to do the rest. (example , when I know I am going to have people over and we are needing to be upbeat and lively, but I have a splitting headache, I will take a small dose of a pill so that my suffering is more of an in between. Then doing the natural stuff helps take the suffering away more.) Advanced stuff for someone who isn't afraid to think about it for a bit.

Anyway, I have a line-up planned for tutorials. I am excited to get crafting again and sharing more details with everyone. I have done so many things I wish I had posted because it was great. But hopefully everything will be exploding on the blogs soon. Keep and eye open for next posts. This weekend will be slow because we are going to visit some college friends that we haven't seen in a few years for a wedding! YAY!

Enjoy friends!

Learning to Face the Music

I wake up with a gaping hole in my heart. Something precious and fragile to me has been ripped out and lost. Hesitating to move one foot in front of the other I slowly inch my way toward the door. Fear comes over me and makes everything cold. I quickly turn around and run back into bed. I think to myself for a moment and remind myself, this is temporary, it's not bad, this connection is for eternity.

Tears come rolling down my pudgy cheeks as that hole feels bigger and bigger. Looking around I see what appears as a home I once found comfortable because of the peace and serenity of it being mine and quiet. Now I see it as bare, empty, lonely and quiet- too quiet.

This last week I had the wonderful opportunity of having family from out of town stay at our house. Some might get a little nervous about the thought of having 5 extra bodies in the little two bedroom house and three of which being little children. Me? I was thrilled. So thrilled I almost wet my pants when I would think about the opportunity we were about to embark on. I knew there was going to be noise and little children waking me up in the morning and running all through my house. That didn't bother me one bit. I cherished every moment of it and now all I want is for it back. It felt so complete and so right.

I am in an odd place in my life. One I hoped I would never find myself in. Unfortunately there isn't much I can not do about it, other than to take it moment by moment and learn to feel each emotion and each prompting to guide me back on the path I originally wanted to embark on.

With my situation being as it is that I can't have children of my own, I have taken this personal many times. I have felt like I was being punished for my actions when I was a dumb teen. I have felt like this is a test of my faith to see how far I can be pushed before I hit my limit and call it quits. I have felt like I am the biggest failure of all time, because women are created to bear children and raise them. That one purpose I physically cannot accomplish. I feel like a defect that has no worth or value.  I feel alone because none of my friends my age can even understand the situation being that way for themselves. I go to church and everyone has babies and that is the main topic of conversation. I go out with friends and we have to work around their schedule because their kids need nap time. I get so frustrated because all I have ever wanted is to be that "ONE" person and I feel like that will never happen because of issues that were beyond anyone's control. I got sick with something that should have killed me.

No one else I know my age has ever been through as much figurative crap as I have and therefore no one can relate. Many adults haven't even been through many of these topics or issues and so relating to people is very hard. This is another element in my hatred for myself and another musical note I have to learn to love and accept.

Having my family love and support me with all I do has always been my dream. Having a big family of my own has always been a dream of mine as well. I always have wanted to be surrounded by love and family. Having what I want is not possible. It may be a timing issue, a physical issue, a relatability issue, whatever it may be, it's out of my control. I know that, I need to accept that. I don't want people thinking that I am just complaining and I really believe that I am this ugly horrible person, because I know I am not. I am human just like you and everyone else. I have feelings I can't always ignore and push aside. Sometimes just being in that moment and letting us go through the motions of what the moment and emotions need, helps us to be stronger and we can better understand ourselves and why we feel what we feel and how to overcome in the future.

I know I can adopt. I know that sometime in my existence somewhere, I will be a mother to children and I will do anything I need to make them happy and strong, smart, reliable, trustworthy, obedient, self-reliant and that they can think for themselves and have a voice of their own.  I know that I will be a great mom when that time comes. I know I am beautiful in someone's eyes no matter how I look. I know that I have worth and great potential for marvelous things. I know that I have a purpose that has not yet been fulfilled. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself in accepting who and what I am and that I am most definitely not alone. I know there are those out in this world who have been in similar experiences and who understand completely what I feel. I also know my Heavenly Father has been there with me every step of the way. I know that with his power anything is possible and that all I need to do is to let it happen in his time and in his way.

With recent changes in my life, I have been quiet surprised with myself. I am realizing that I do have a testimony of my own and it is strong. I know that I do have faith in the eternal plan and our Father in Heaven. I know that this is all happening for a reason and that I am being groomed for bigger, better things. I know that there is a purpose for suffering.

With every change comes fear of the unknown. I am not going to lie and say that losing my job hasn't freaked me out and made me have moments of doubt. IT HAS! I am not going to lie and say that I didn't at some point or another feel like this was the end, I HAVE. I am not going to lie and say that I felt I was being dropped off a cliff for dead with no other plan, I HAVE. I also have felt peace, comfort, understanding, patience and love like never before. I have seen things changing in myself I never thought I could feel or see so clearly. It is truly amazing and rewarding to me. I know I am doing the right things in my life because I can finally see the alignment coming together of a plan the Savior has. I still don't know the outcome but I know there is a purpose and that everything will be alright. I need to grab onto that comfort and peace so hard that it couldn't possibly slip away and follow it even if it's hard.

I am learning to love myself again. Learning to get myself back on track with my spirituality, my physical exercise and appearance, my patience with others around me. I need to get back on track and learn to find my voice and who I want to be. I need to clear the rubble to find the pathway to who I want to be. I need to accept that my home is only temporarily empty and that family is only leaving for a short time. I will have them in my life for eternity as long as I am worthy myself. I know that I need to find what I truly feel I should be doing wit my time and days that can keep me happy and not overwhelmed to the point of submission. I need to find me again and clear all the mess up around me to make my home and my space a place of TRUE love and peace. I need to let all the crap go because it really has no merit in my life and what I need to do. I need to do this for myself but also to be fair to my current family, my future family and all that is good in my life. To those who truly and selflessly support us, I am deeply and sincerely grateful for you and your example in my life. Thank you for your patience and love.