Not much good...

When talking to people in our lives that know most of the every day stuff going on in our family stuff, they often ask "when are you guys going to get a break?" I ask the same thing just as any one else does. Today mom told me that Brandy (our 18 year old dog) fell over and couldn't get back up. I knew that they where going to have to put her to sleep but I wasn't sure as to the day or time. I had mentioned to mom this morning that I didn't want to be apart of going with her just because the image of my lovely dog is already tainted by her being ill the last few years and I didn't want to make it worse. But also because with all the death I have had to see through the H I didn't feel like I would be able to emotionally handle it. I thought that maybe later this week we would all go and put her down. When I got home tonight from saying bye to Daniel's family before they leave tomorrow morning, Brook was pacing in the kitchen and I knew something was wrong and asked mom. She told me that they had put Brandy down and gotten home with in the last hour. So Brandy here is your goodbye!
I love you so much and miss you already. I will always try to keep a strong memory of you in my heart. I have been with you for the last 17 years and you have given me so many fun times and memories and not a single negative memory. So loving and excited to be around family. I have written in my journal tonight some of the different memories i have of you and will be printing pics off this next week or so to put in with it. I miss you and will always love you! Hope to see you someday soon in Heaven.

You ever have one of those days where you just can't seem to let things go from your mind and they tend to be on the negative side of things? Negative in the way that they make you sad or over emotional because of the building up of pushing it all aside and trying to forget it all. Well today I think was one of those days for me. It has been building up for some time now and I have just tried to push it aside so that I could better focus on the things right in front of me. I have all these feelings building up and then the issues that come along with being the oldest sibling in a family. I also have other issues I have been trying to work through myself and not getting very far. When I lived in SLC, I had the most amazing people there to help. They noticed first of all that something was wrong and they did something about it to help me. My young women advisers and my wonderful second mom Hazel. Since being here I have come across people that are concerned but they haven't stopped and checked in on a consistent basis to make sure that i'm still doing alright. I have had a few times in the last day or so that when I have talked to them I have thought of being back home in SLC with my leaders there. I have thought lots about the one amazing woman who took me in as her own daughter and still keeps in touch with me. Today I luckily got to see my old boss from the book store (another amazing woman put in my life for a purpose, who I love and adore) she started asking me how things are going so I told her. As I was talking I noticed that I had started to tear up. I gave her a hug cause I had to go and get back to doing something. It reminded me of those late night talks and the hugs I would get. Where I can just sink into them and feel love circling me and pulling me. I also was talking to another friend of mine who is so amazing as well and she did the same thing. I didn't have to go right away so I sat there taking it all in and started to release the tears.

Those who I have talked to recently know what all this is about and why i'm saying it all. But for those who don't know, I have been dealing with things going on here in my life and trying to figure things out that I feel are going no where and trying to figure out what that next move is that I should be doing. I have been praying to know and feel like I am not getting answers and so im trying to make it possible to feel the spirit and it's not coming. I am struggling with emotions from all these issues hitting me right now and they are all going in different directions and I feel that I have to hide it and keep it in so that it doesn't affect those around me. In my journal tonight I compared it to a brick wall. I am this brick wall standing as a barrier between a 300,000 gallon pool and a city on the outside of the wall. There are leaks in the wall where water drips through and others where it's just moist. The pressure is pushing harder and harder against this wall and the wall has to stay up to keep things around it in order and to protect the things around it as well. I am just waiting for the brick wall to fall and everything to be a mess. I don't want it to be that way but that's the way it's all feeling right now to me.

I also feel like when I do get answers that I am looking for I question if it's really my heart telling me to do things or if it's my head playing games with me telling me that it's what I should be doing because that's what I want it to be.

Now I have complained to who ever feels like reading my stuff here and I will try to push on with a smile and hope that somehow very very soon things will ease up enough that things can become clear to me and I can have a release and a direction that needs to be taken for my big issues.

As of any news with Shandra, there really is nothing new that I know of. I know she is out of the H and im not sure where she is and what exactly is wrong with her. I know her parents are back home now too. Please continue to keep her in prayers and if you don't mind adding that I can find that path.

I hope you are having a wonderful day and that you can find the peace you may be searching for. I hope that you can smile today and laugh for even just a moment and being totally carefree when you do so. Best of wishes sent to you from me, with love!
Nighty night (for me anyway)

Issue 32 8-23-2010

Prayers for Shandra.

This morning shortly after I woke up, I got a call from my aunt that my cousin got hit by a car last night. The story as of right now to my knowledge is that she was riding her bike in Chico where she is living, and got hit by a car. She has to have a pin in her ankle. This cousin is two years older than me and she was the first friend i had once I moved to California. She took care of me and kept me out of trouble. My rides to and from seminary and school. Me and her are really close and I am asking that prayers go out for her recovery to be complete and fast. Bless that she will not be in too much discomfort and that she will be taken care of as well. I know when she has issues and goes to the hospital she tends to flip out sometimes and has panic attacks. Please keep her in your prayers as well if you don't mind.

What's going on here with my family and I lately is keeping busy. My sisters are getting ready for high school to start up and they are filling out all the paperwork. They just took their id pictures the other day and now they know what classes they are in. Brylee is just starting high school so she is going to be a newbe! Mom is good, busy with work and everything else that comes with her life and being a mom as well.

As for myself, I am so busy lately i am literally only home to sleep. I have been spending lots of time this week with Daniel's family and I am enjoying it all too! I then leave for a few hours to get some work in and then return after to watch a movie or talk with his sisters. Work is ok, I have been working everyday this week. Not many hours but enough to help. School isn't going to happen for me this semester because i have no money. I have to pay mom back for my car insurance bill this last time. So that's what im doing now is just working as much as i can to get money to pay for everything i need money for.

Daniel and I have never been better! He is a sweetheart. We have been dating for over nine months and we haven't had a single fight. We have miscommunications rarely and he makes sure I am happy and that we are good. We talk all the time about how our days are and what's going on with the other person. We try and hang out together every day and spend some quality him and I time at least once a week.

This is short and sweet but please keep Shandra in your prayers and have a great week. Talk to you all soon!

Issue 31 8-20-2010

If i could sit in the Lord's embrace.

If i could have a sit down conversation with the Lord right now i would first ask him for a big huge hug to ease this feeling i feel. I would then sit next to him in his loving embrase and just poor out my heart to him. I would also ask him several questions i have wondered through out my years so far and here are a few of them: (these aren't all from recent times in my life but for a while)

Lord why do i have to feel this agony and pain. Pain from other people's situations and pain from mine being exaggerated by other people?

Lord, why do people have to be so demanding and critical of everything and never be thankful or acknowledge any thanks for the good things that are done for them?

Lord, with all that i have gone through in my life so far, what is in store for me when i get older? Like when most people get sick or have issues in their lives i have had to deal with?

Why did i choose these things in the pre mortal life when i knew i would suffer like i have?

Why can't there be peace among nations all over, so that those fighting can be home with their families and STAY home, safe!?

When will that day come that there will be total peace for everyone and we can live with you again?

Why did we have to lose total memory of everything when we came here? Why couldn't we keep some of that? Like the feeling of talking to you face to face.

Why did you make the sky blue?

How big is space really?

What's it like in heaven? Are all my friends there that have left me behind?

How will the family situation work out up there after we are all gone from earth?

What was the inspiration behind the shape, design, colors, and purpose of some living creatures? ex. insects, bugs, large water animals, and small noisy pets like cats and dogs.

When can i sit in your embrase and physically feel your love encircling me again?

I know i was put here to learn but what where all the things i was meant to learn?

Is there a purpose for my being here other than learning how to grow?

Will my dad be the man who plays my earth father when we are all together in heaven or will i be blessed to have someone else to take that place and truly love me that way?

Is Nanna dancing up there? Is grandpa with me when i ask for him to be? Is Bri playing soccer and cooking to her hearts content? Is Jake flying around making people smile?

Do animals have animal spirits after they die or do they have spirits that humans can talk to and understand?

I heaven like living on clouds?

Why do we have fingers and toes shaped like they are and in the number amount that they are?

What about the people who are mentally disabled and can't talk much to us, are they still in contact with you and able to see you?

Why is it little kids can see those who have passed on shortly after but the adults can't?

Are there ghosts who follow me everywhere i go, living in the same space as me and watching me? Do they talk to me and try telling me things and im just too tuned out i can't hear it?

Am i living a worthy enough life to be happy forever in the celestial kingdom or do i just think that and am really not totally there?

What am i supposed to do for a career for the rest of my life?

Why does it seem like one thing after another? Is it me being punished for something im doing or what? If so, what am i doing so terribly wrong?

When will i die? I would like to know so i can get in all the things i want to get done here on the earth done like sky diving, and being a mom, and seeing grandchildren, and seeing something so majestic that it brings me to tears and/or takes my breath away.

Why does it seem like good/bad things happen to bad people and even worst things happen to good people?

Why does it seem like the most wicked of people last on the earth longer than those who aren't so wicked?

Who is my spirit mom?

Thank you for my friends who are there to help make my days brighter and more easy going and fun. Thank you for the people you have placed in my life to make me laugh and smile. Thank you for people who try so hard to help me be a better me. Thank you for sweet grandparents who spoil and give me plenty of hugs. Thank you for the chance to go to church again and feel spiritually strong everyweek. Thank you for the beauty of the earth and the landscape you left for me to see. Thank you for every chance i get to leave a part of me behind for future generations. Thank you for all the luxuries i get to enjoy like a car, computer, nice comfy warm bed, clothes that are clean, a home, food, job, and the education and strength that i do have. Thank you for the ability to think and act for myself. Thank you for the chances i get to better myself and make things around me better as well. Thank you for the temples to go and do work in and to walk around. I love the peace and comforting feeling i have when i am there. Thank you for this oportunity to talk with you again! Dear Lord i love you and am so glad you know me and i get to learn of you.

Please keep me strong in every way. Please be there holding me when i am in need of comfort and can't find it elsewhere. Dear Lord please comfort those around me who need it as well. Help me to see and notice the things i can do to help. Help me to keep the patience i do have as i continually learn to have more. Please continue to put spiritually strong people in my path that i can learn from. Please let me have friends who can relate to me and who understand me in my situations. Please bless my entire family that we can grow stronger together and have relationships with everyone in the family where we can feel comfortable with each other. Help those who are sick, that they can recover and live a life to help others around them as well. Please keep in touch with me and keep that door open for me to enter in. Please bring me home to you soon, but keep me here as long as i can do good and am needed.I will go and do what you ask of me and i will do my best to be my best. Thank you Lord.

Issue 30 8-12-2010