The beginning of an end.

This is craft day with Stephanie a few weeks ago. We made paper roses, decorated mason jars and made them into lamps and candles. We did crafts while the guys played video games. 

This is the same night. Steph and Justin decided to sleep over with us and so we pulled all the extra blankets out. We have a ton because i LOVE blankets. 

The next morning we all decided to make a fort in the front room with all of the blankets. 

This is Easter morning. Daniel and i did an easter egg hunt, thanks to my mom for sending us candy and eggs. It was so much fun to do this for ourselves. I got crafty and taped one to the fan. It was so heavy though, it fell off while he was looking for another one and i had to stick it back up before he could find it. Sadly i think he saw me doing it and so it gave it away to him. 

This has been one of my newest projects. I was tired of having to tear apart our closet to get to my clothes that were in bins and i knew i liked the drawers already so i went and got another 8 things from walmart and now we have a wall of clothes for Brittney, in our room. Don't worry Daniel has most of the closet for all his clothes and he has some drawers as well, just not in this picture. I have the wall, he gets the closet. So it works out. I keep telling Daniel that now he has a place for all of his stuff so i don't have to see it all laying on the floor with no place of it's own. It makes me happy having a clean home! :) 

My newer project other than the drawers is family history. I have been feeling lately that i would think it would be fun to try it out and find names to do in the temple. I logged onto the new family search site, www.new.familysearch.org , and i put in my information. I could only find my mom and dad's sides and so i went through and basically did that for a full day straight. Through that i found 60 names that i am going to take to the temple tomorrow morning when we go and ill be starting the work that needs to be done for these family members. I was trying to find Daniel's side and see what could be done through there and Finally was able to get it by manually putting in all the information that i had on the living people. Then after that i could connect the deceased side with the living and so now im just needing to add the Long side and the Gillens. I had to take a break from the searching because of school and having Thursdays being my busiest day for all my assignments and tests. So on my free time, that is what i am doing, searching for family names. Daniel and i went through and found some names from our past family, that we might want to name our children when we start adopting. We came up with a royal idea and our children are going to feel like kings and queens. They all are pretty unique too, so they wont be sharing names with anyone else. I can't wait to have kids of our own to play with and name. I looked into adoption with the church and we have to be married for two years first so we still have another year and 3 months to go. So for now we will stick to pets and figuring out names for them. We (meaning me basically) have named our future dogs Mowgley, and Pucca. Like in the disney movies Jungle book, and Anastasia. 

Chives is doing good. We just found a tank last week on the bulletin board for school, a new tank!  It's twice as long and she loves it. She went crazy for the like the first 3-4 days just splashing everywhere, swimming back and forth constantly. We like it cause we enjoy seeing her actually swimming. She brings us such joy and laughter watching her everyday. We play with her through the glass and we talk to her just like she is a person, and every night before we turn her light off, we both say goodnight like we are tucking her into bed. haha 

School started last week and Daniel and i are both so glad to finally be back in school. He is glad because of work and the income from that, I am happy because of the consistency again, and because i only have one more year left and i am done, SO MOTIVATING! I ended up finding a part time job on campus as a secretary for the home and family department. Ironic right!? The department of the school that is second on my list for most disliked. First is records and administration, or the counseling department. Hard to determine cause they are both kinda the same. I just want to get out of this town as fast as possible. I am so sick of living in the mormon bubble and i want to be around culture and people who aren't all holier than holy stuck up. I miss culture! 

I got a bike this week so that i can start bike riding again. I used to ride everyday, as hard as i could, untill my legs turned to jello. I loved it and it's been SUCH NICE weather lately that it sounded like a good idea. I need to fix a few minor things on it and need Daniel's knowledge and strength to help me fix it up so hopefully this weekend, if it stops snowing. Crazy weather here! ALL WEEK we have had beautiful sunny days that range in temps from 70-mid 80's, with slight rain and thunder that rolls in at about 5 each night and clears up again in the morning. Today we woke up to SNOW!!!! ARGGG so much for camping weather this weekend! 

I started my tutoring class this week. I go in to get tutored in the same place that Daniel works. They do stuff like teach study skills and help out how they can. I needed to take a test to show where i needed help. I am taking the class cause Daniel has told me lots about it and i needed credit, not because i was "special needs". After taking the test the teacher in charge told me that the memory problems i have are indeed something i have been telling people about for years. She explained it to me better and helped 

So, other than school, work, chives, and all these projects im trying to get into not much is really going on. Just enjoying life being married and adjusting to a life of constant change. Oh, for those that knew about the court hearing i was involved in. The guy is taking a plea bargain so i wont have to go and testify on monday so i am soooooo pleased. I went to see a therapist at the school about it all and she said " you're doing what i would tell you to do for the best recovery process, so you don't need to see me. Come back later if you still feel it's a problem" Good and bad, also, further proving the lack of concern from the administrative level here at this school. 

I think it's great to have a religious school for people, however, i think they need to give the students the right to choose for themselves. I feel that the controling that goes on here from the administration department, gets tighter each semester and the choice to choose for ourselves gets smaller each time as well. example: For devotional each week (last year) we could take our computers and be on the internet reading talks or doing homework while in devo. Now, they shut off the internet so that you can't use it at all. My mom said when i got up here that she didn't worry about me because i had more restrictions and rules than when i did when i was at home. I thought before coming up here that i was being controlled too much for my age, but seeing how things are here, It was a piece of cake. haha. 

ANYWAY, I gotta get going to work now, so enjoy your day! 

issue 58 4-27-12

Pictures

It was late when i made this and i hadn't had much sleep so i sound a bit tired or off, that's why. This is our vlog update for the week with pictures from the last month in a half.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yd76VahLg4

Issue 57  3-18-2012

Pretty un eventful life of being OFF Track.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2cx2wRH7wQ

felt like doing it video style today. enjoy. pretty short video but gives update information.

Daniel didn't want to be in the video but was sitting next to me on the couch. lol

Learning to face those ugly demons called PROBLEMS!

Facing problems.

As you get older and find yourself dealing with things of life you learn getting older doesn't have advantages after you hit adulthood. Your past starts coming back to haunt you and tears apart the best things in your life. You thought moving on was an easier thing and that it was past you by now. You realize, it doesn't really get better, it just changes. There have been many difficulties in my life that i have had to try very hard to let go of and get over. Things i push aside and forget about for the time being and later it hits me right between the eyes.

The one event that happens that starts the terrible sting of the bite of reality hurts the most. When reality bites again you start to become numb to the feeling and you learn to fight it off and try to avoid it, but some time, some day, reality finds you and bites you when you least expect it. For a 12 year old this is a hard lesson to learn but one i had to learn hard, and fast. My grandfathers death when i was 10 years old was the turning point for my life were i could no longer trust and be at ease.

I guess you could say i was a normal kid who had a father who would play with her and wanted the world for her. Over working even, just to make sure she got the most out of life. The friendship between us was unseperable and i thought that i would never have to worry about being alone because if worse came to worse i would have him by my side to help me through things. I was a little girl who loved her daddy more than anything. Wanted to grow up and be just like him, big, strong, tough, hard worker... ect. Then that day came when the story of love i knew, became just a faded fairy tale dream.

My father became selfish, angry, bitter, and just plain terrible. He cared only about him and not what truly mattered, His wife and kids. He let those feelings tear him up inside and control him. Nice acts for other people became part of a game. Soften up the target and hit hard. Make them feel pain like they never knew. I then became the cause to my fathers problems between us because i no longer liked being around a angry man who hit my mother, sisters, and i. I no longer wanted to hear him tell hurtful stories about people i loved, knowing that these stories had no shred of truth. I wanted nothing to do with any of it and was ignored by anyone who knew what was going on and could do anything to stop it. No one wanted to hear stories from a little kid about a man who looked so nice to them. Those who knew the real story couldn't step up and face the fear of doing what was right.

I then created a shell for myself. I couldn't let anyone in. Every time i did, i got hurt. I still loved my family. I still wanted to have a daddy around to wrestle with, talk to about things, to cuddle with and fix things with. I still wanted a complete family that was happy and could do things fun together. I had to drop it all and grow up. For my 13th birthday i was in junior high. The week of my birthday i got pulled out of class every day to go to the office and pick up a birthday present from my father. One day was a gift card to go out to dinner, another day was a huge box of chocolates, big vase of roses, money to go shopping.... ect. Then, Friday came i went to the office and when i got there, there was a note from my dad telling me just how much he loved me, that he would do anything to get me back in his life. He wanted me back and said that i was just acting out and needed to start behaving properly. Along with this letter was a woman from the state child protective services to talk to me about my abusive behavior to my sisters and how if this story was true i would be put in a foster home. Now, i had gone off the edge a bit during this time, there were times i wanted to hurt my middle sister for aiding my father in situations he had started, but never, ever, ever did i lay a finger on anyone because i knew it would end up being bad for me. So instead i took my anger out by writing nasty letters to my dad in my journal, so he would never see them, and hitting pillows in my bedroom while i screamed at the top of my lungs. The lady spoke with me saying my father had called her the day before and told her i was abusing my sisters. He went into her office to meet with her for several hours and left her with pictures of my sisters and bruises they had. The lady talked with me for the entire day of school to figure things out and told me if it was to ever happen or be reported again i would be in a foster home. She said that it was my fathers wishes that i be put in at this time.

Every year after for my birthday, my father would get nice gifts for my sisters and nothing for me. He told them to come home and tell me all about them and to let me know if i was to come back and see him i would get good gifts too. This happened for birthdays, and christmas. So i figured when i was 14 i would give it a chance. Let him into my bubble and give him a chance to be that dad i still wanted. Then after i did that he got me these things, i would go and visit and the whole time he sat there rehashing all the same horrible stories that caused me to leave in the first place. When i tried to take my things back home with me, he held them hostage. Still to this day i haven't gotten any of it.

Then for my 15th birthday I had a party where there was a guy who was in high school that came over. We were only friends and there was nothing that would cause people to think otherwise. We would hang out at my place with my mom and watch movies on the weekends. Well the week or two before my birthday my friend forgot to move his car from the front of the house when my father was dropping off my sisters. My father asked about the car and my sisters said it was my boyfriend and that he was 19 years old. So two days before my birthday there was a court hearing about stuff dealing with my mom and dad and the property. During the hearing my dad said that he wanted me put in juvi and this boy put in jail for having sexual relations with a minor. He continued to say that we would make out on the couch in front of my sisters while my mother sat there watching. He said i would go out drinking with him and was doing drugs and having sex. He said he had proof because the guy who lived in the house across the street from where he lived, which my father was renting out, was named the same name and he evicted him. When my father was cleaning up the mess he said he found a picture of me and underwear of mine on the floor as well as clothes. The state then came to school again and pulled me out. This time knowing his crap stories and stayed less than 30 mins.

Later that year the court FINALLY agreed that i could have communication with him at my discretion and that if he violated that, i could get a restraining order. We then moved shortly after that and problems still arose. Shortly after my 17th birthday i was in the hospital recovering from my chemo treatments and was preparing for a major procedure. My mom had a court hearing that all of the sudden required her to go to utah for, leaving me alone in the hospital. The next day mom got a notice that there was a warrant out for her arrest in utah and cali. My mom couldn't leave the hospital without going in secret.

Now with this all in mind that would be a bit of a hard thing to accept from someone you loved at one time. All i wanted was a dad to love me and care for me, to protect me, and guide me. Instead i got him. My heart is now hard and cold. I still ache with every fiber to have that loving father. Knowing what i once had... and what i have. How he hurt me...time...after...time...after...time.

For my 22nd birthday he decided to send me a letter in the mail with some money saying something to the affect of "this money is not to reward you for your behavior but to give you a treat for your birthday" This letter was sent to my grandparents house in cali. Then was forwarded to my address. When Daniel wen't to get the mail tonight, he came in and we had guests over to watch a movie and laugh and enjoy our time together. He put the mail on the table like usual and we looked through it quickly just to see if anything important was there. I found a card with my name and i got excited. Then wondering who it was from i looked at the return address. Nearly having a heart attack i started freaking out. Heart racing, hands shaking, and all of my fears of him finding me felt like they had come true. Recently my father has been sending lots of pictures out to me for me to look at and things have been said from my friends back in utah, as well as from my sisters, that makes me almost certain he has been in the town i am living now, watching me. So to see this letter and realizing, i flipped out.

Then Daniel picked up the card from the ground to look where it was sent to originally and told me it was sent to my grandparents. Then forwarded to me. I threw it all on the floor again, not wanting to even deal with the problem till later. Once our guests had left i had reached my point where it was affecting me and i was upset. I finally read the card to see if this was the one hope i have had for the last 12 years was finally coming true. When i was done reading the letter i was frustrated, upset, confused, worried, and all sorts of emotions. I don't know how to handle this. This isn't his attempt to make things better because of his choice of words. The choice of words he selected have me on edge. The information i know about him harrassing my friends and cousins for information on me, the nightmares i have continually where he finds me, hunts me down and tries to kill me, and the things that have been happening with my family and him lately all make me feel that he is up to something and with this past history you have just gone through would it really be all that surprising.

I have an immense amount of anger for only two people in this world. My most recent ex boyfriend who lives in the same town as me again, and my father, with my father being at the top of the list with a golden gun next to his name. I have so much hate and anger towards him, that i honestly wish horrible things on him like him rotting in hell for eternity. I feel he deserves nothing but pain and suffering for all the things he has done and is continuing to do do his children and ex wife. I then feel bad that i feel that much hate. I know it's not right. I want to do terrible things to him and i know i shouldn't. I think constantly about different ways i could have others who are willing and have no morals, to do the things i want him to feel and go through. This isn't right of me to feel this and think these things but after all i have had to go through i don't see how there could be any other way. I have tried time and time again to let it go and move on. Then something else comes up. I think i have left things in the past and it comes up again. I am never really moving on, it's just that the issue changes and i learn a different way of pushing aside all of these problems only to have them fling back at me.

I have talked to councilors for about 8 years about this very issue and the only thing that works a bit is talking about it. But with all this damage it keeps coming up and with it keep coming up i can't move on. The one man who has been in my life that might have been able to step up and fill this void in my life and help complete the emptiness, that i think would help me in these issues of my father, has basically told me that he has no intention of ever recovering the damage he has done to our family as well. He was too afraid to commit and be what we needed him to be. He was too afraid to love and be a man. So he turned and dashed out the back door. Leaving with a shallow hope of his return. I have talked to him and learned the real truth also realizing that all respect i had for him is gone and he is just a person to be lost in the dust of time.

Our stories will go on, stumbling through, until someone has balls enough to do what needs to be done. Don't get me wrong im not saying a man has to fix our issues. We are perfectly capable to deal with things on our own and go through life strong. But until a man who has values and courage enough to face the scary stories of life comes along to play that fatherly figure, my faith and respect for fathers has dwindled to nearly nothing. The man needs to be able to put his family first and truly love them and do what he can to help and keep his family together, not run and destroy everything.

With this all being said i don't want to have my words taken out of context or mis understood. There are men out there who have their heads on strait. But so far, non have been found to fill the role that i need filled. I need someone to be a husband to my mother, who will love me and my sisters as if we were his own. That's all i ask for. All i wish for. and all i have wanted for the past 12 years of my life. I don't see this happening anytime soon.

My problem is i want this and the only thing i have ever known to have fulfilled this at one point is my father. I have a hope that someday he will realize he has thrown his life away and change. I would love to have a working relationship with him were i could trust him again. I give in to those times where i think it might... just might... be that miracle moment that my life could turn around again. I hesitantly open the doors for the bomb to be laid to explode.

To this man, if you do exsist. PLEASE PLEASE HEAR THIS PLEA. Be a man and love.

This concludes my emotional speal for the time being and hopefully those who have read this can get a bit of an idea into my head. I know lots of times people mis understand and interpret things wrong and then the mental image and respect of a person changes for the negative. I hope that my point is viewed clearly for the position i am in. If there is advice out there I am willing to hear and consider. If there are complaints about my attitude and way of thinking, i don't want to hear it because i just don't care right now. You stick your feet in my shoes through all of this and then... i might care to hear what has to be said about my negative attitude.

To my loving and faithful readers, this is just thoughts that have been rambling through my head for the last 6 hours that needed to be released in some way for me to attempt to move on. Advice on what to do to better the situation or how to handle the bracing for what is around this next corner, i am interested. Thoughts that you have while reading this article would really be intriguing to hear as well so please feel free to share.

Am i wrong for feeling the way i do, even when i don't act upon the emotions?

What would your next move be if you were me?

Issue 55 2-12-2012

Cookin it up!

Lots to catch up on... here we go.

I did laundry and this is how my shirt came out. So much for that favorite white shirt.

Finally started the project of organizing all of our movies together and making a list of each. It took over 20 hours to go through the whole process of getting info on all the movies, organizing them on paper, and then organizing them in our binder and on our shelf.

Daniel and i needed a new pair of shoes and there was a sale so we got new shoes and mine rock! Now though i need to stretch it out a bit cause i was blinded by the love of them on how much my foot really hurt wearing them. Toes rubbing against the leather and fabric inside is what hurts. These keep me from sliding on the snow.

This is us on my birthday as we went out for dinner. Daniel made me breakfast, i tried to go get a pedi with ANY friends i have in rexburg and they all came up with reasons not to go or ignored me so that was a bummer, but then we did dinner and had friends over for games and fun and that was really enjoyable. Strange thing growing up, you learn more and more that you dislike your birthdays. For me not necessarily because im getting older every year but for the other events that go on during the day.

This was my first successful pie, it was a cherry pie.

Really yummy and good.

This is Daniel's Pie he made the very next day. Brownie, ice cream, and cookie dough.

This was what we had for my birthday. White Chocolate Mouse with a Raspberry sauce. Really Really smooth, rich, and delish.

Biscuit burgers take 20 mins to make and are yummy.

Home made pizza turned out perfectly. Daniel felt like he was back at porkies.

Now we are going to go hot tubbing and be ice cubes by the time we are done. But hey, you only live once so enjoy. Best wishes, love our loyal and faithful readers!

The Longs!

issue 54 2-4-12

New View for Life.

Sorry this blog took so long to put up. I just got lazy and then one thing after another and i got distracted. Now i feel it's too overwhelming to type it all out and post everything individually so here is a video for you to watch that will take place as our blog. We might keep doing it this way if it turns out good and pretty easy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iZbLdbiMiE

So this blog was easy enough to do. I know the program and am learning more for it for my class as well so im really excited about this and will possibly be doing this more often when i am crammed for time or overwhelmed. A few things that i forgot! OUR TRIP WAS GREAT! Glad we went home for the holidays. We got to spend a pretty even amount of time with each of our families and we got to see just about all of our friends which was really good and the whole trip was very much needed!

This last weekend we had a huge game night and it was awesome. We had 13 people come and invited about 28 with 19 that confirmed originally. So the turn out wasn't too bad. We had some new people over that are our new next door neighbors now and so that was great to meet them and have them meet some of our friends. I also have a friend who is back in town that got married a month ago and i haven't see him since June. His wife made us dinner and we caught up on things and it was lots of fun. We have a small mini trip planned for SLC soon and i will be meeting some of Daniel's friends and family there as well. So we are really looking forward to that as well.

We came up with a few new meals that are pretty good and you might want to try. They are really simple too. The first one is Biscuit Burgers. You get two packs of biscuits from the store, doesn't matter what kind as long as they aren't the crescent kind. I don't think they would work too well. Then you get ground beef or turkey and you brown it in a pan. You put in what ever seasoning you would like with it. You can cut up onion and small bell peppers if you want. We just did some spicy mrs. dash and swamp dust. Then when it is browned you will flatten out each of the biscuits till you can get a spoonful or two of meat in it, then you will pull the ends over and squeeze them together so that nothing comes out the bottom when cooking. Then bake them for as long as the container says for the biscuits (about 8-10 mins). If you want to add cheese chunks into them you can. I did that for Daniel and he said he liked it.

The next item for food was Chicken Taco Stew. You get a chicken breast for each person eating and put it in a crock pot frozen. Then fill it with water till all the chicken is covered. Cook the chicken till it's cooked through. Then pull the chicken out and let cool, until you can shred into smaller bite sized pieces. Then put any kind of chopped up veggies. We put potatoes, carrots, green peas in the pod still, and will be putting in kidney beans or pinto beans next time. Then add about 1/4 - 2/3 cup of taco seasoning. A dash or two of ground cumin, freshly ground pepper, and we added a dash or two of swamp dust. Then let it all cook to your desired tenderness. Add seasoning to your liking and serve with tortillas.

our last item we had this week that was really good and easy was a fruit smoothy. Make how you want but we put about a cup of pineapple, two cups of orange juice, and ice-cream in the blender and enjoyed. All simple meals and really not to pricy either.

This is it for us so i am signing out and hope you all have a great day! Best wishes.

Issue 53 1-15-12