Pretty un eventful life of being OFF Track.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2cx2wRH7wQ

felt like doing it video style today. enjoy. pretty short video but gives update information.

Daniel didn't want to be in the video but was sitting next to me on the couch. lol

Learning to face those ugly demons called PROBLEMS!

Facing problems.

As you get older and find yourself dealing with things of life you learn getting older doesn't have advantages after you hit adulthood. Your past starts coming back to haunt you and tears apart the best things in your life. You thought moving on was an easier thing and that it was past you by now. You realize, it doesn't really get better, it just changes. There have been many difficulties in my life that i have had to try very hard to let go of and get over. Things i push aside and forget about for the time being and later it hits me right between the eyes.

The one event that happens that starts the terrible sting of the bite of reality hurts the most. When reality bites again you start to become numb to the feeling and you learn to fight it off and try to avoid it, but some time, some day, reality finds you and bites you when you least expect it. For a 12 year old this is a hard lesson to learn but one i had to learn hard, and fast. My grandfathers death when i was 10 years old was the turning point for my life were i could no longer trust and be at ease.

I guess you could say i was a normal kid who had a father who would play with her and wanted the world for her. Over working even, just to make sure she got the most out of life. The friendship between us was unseperable and i thought that i would never have to worry about being alone because if worse came to worse i would have him by my side to help me through things. I was a little girl who loved her daddy more than anything. Wanted to grow up and be just like him, big, strong, tough, hard worker... ect. Then that day came when the story of love i knew, became just a faded fairy tale dream.

My father became selfish, angry, bitter, and just plain terrible. He cared only about him and not what truly mattered, His wife and kids. He let those feelings tear him up inside and control him. Nice acts for other people became part of a game. Soften up the target and hit hard. Make them feel pain like they never knew. I then became the cause to my fathers problems between us because i no longer liked being around a angry man who hit my mother, sisters, and i. I no longer wanted to hear him tell hurtful stories about people i loved, knowing that these stories had no shred of truth. I wanted nothing to do with any of it and was ignored by anyone who knew what was going on and could do anything to stop it. No one wanted to hear stories from a little kid about a man who looked so nice to them. Those who knew the real story couldn't step up and face the fear of doing what was right.

I then created a shell for myself. I couldn't let anyone in. Every time i did, i got hurt. I still loved my family. I still wanted to have a daddy around to wrestle with, talk to about things, to cuddle with and fix things with. I still wanted a complete family that was happy and could do things fun together. I had to drop it all and grow up. For my 13th birthday i was in junior high. The week of my birthday i got pulled out of class every day to go to the office and pick up a birthday present from my father. One day was a gift card to go out to dinner, another day was a huge box of chocolates, big vase of roses, money to go shopping.... ect. Then, Friday came i went to the office and when i got there, there was a note from my dad telling me just how much he loved me, that he would do anything to get me back in his life. He wanted me back and said that i was just acting out and needed to start behaving properly. Along with this letter was a woman from the state child protective services to talk to me about my abusive behavior to my sisters and how if this story was true i would be put in a foster home. Now, i had gone off the edge a bit during this time, there were times i wanted to hurt my middle sister for aiding my father in situations he had started, but never, ever, ever did i lay a finger on anyone because i knew it would end up being bad for me. So instead i took my anger out by writing nasty letters to my dad in my journal, so he would never see them, and hitting pillows in my bedroom while i screamed at the top of my lungs. The lady spoke with me saying my father had called her the day before and told her i was abusing my sisters. He went into her office to meet with her for several hours and left her with pictures of my sisters and bruises they had. The lady talked with me for the entire day of school to figure things out and told me if it was to ever happen or be reported again i would be in a foster home. She said that it was my fathers wishes that i be put in at this time.

Every year after for my birthday, my father would get nice gifts for my sisters and nothing for me. He told them to come home and tell me all about them and to let me know if i was to come back and see him i would get good gifts too. This happened for birthdays, and christmas. So i figured when i was 14 i would give it a chance. Let him into my bubble and give him a chance to be that dad i still wanted. Then after i did that he got me these things, i would go and visit and the whole time he sat there rehashing all the same horrible stories that caused me to leave in the first place. When i tried to take my things back home with me, he held them hostage. Still to this day i haven't gotten any of it.

Then for my 15th birthday I had a party where there was a guy who was in high school that came over. We were only friends and there was nothing that would cause people to think otherwise. We would hang out at my place with my mom and watch movies on the weekends. Well the week or two before my birthday my friend forgot to move his car from the front of the house when my father was dropping off my sisters. My father asked about the car and my sisters said it was my boyfriend and that he was 19 years old. So two days before my birthday there was a court hearing about stuff dealing with my mom and dad and the property. During the hearing my dad said that he wanted me put in juvi and this boy put in jail for having sexual relations with a minor. He continued to say that we would make out on the couch in front of my sisters while my mother sat there watching. He said i would go out drinking with him and was doing drugs and having sex. He said he had proof because the guy who lived in the house across the street from where he lived, which my father was renting out, was named the same name and he evicted him. When my father was cleaning up the mess he said he found a picture of me and underwear of mine on the floor as well as clothes. The state then came to school again and pulled me out. This time knowing his crap stories and stayed less than 30 mins.

Later that year the court FINALLY agreed that i could have communication with him at my discretion and that if he violated that, i could get a restraining order. We then moved shortly after that and problems still arose. Shortly after my 17th birthday i was in the hospital recovering from my chemo treatments and was preparing for a major procedure. My mom had a court hearing that all of the sudden required her to go to utah for, leaving me alone in the hospital. The next day mom got a notice that there was a warrant out for her arrest in utah and cali. My mom couldn't leave the hospital without going in secret.

Now with this all in mind that would be a bit of a hard thing to accept from someone you loved at one time. All i wanted was a dad to love me and care for me, to protect me, and guide me. Instead i got him. My heart is now hard and cold. I still ache with every fiber to have that loving father. Knowing what i once had... and what i have. How he hurt me...time...after...time...after...time.

For my 22nd birthday he decided to send me a letter in the mail with some money saying something to the affect of "this money is not to reward you for your behavior but to give you a treat for your birthday" This letter was sent to my grandparents house in cali. Then was forwarded to my address. When Daniel wen't to get the mail tonight, he came in and we had guests over to watch a movie and laugh and enjoy our time together. He put the mail on the table like usual and we looked through it quickly just to see if anything important was there. I found a card with my name and i got excited. Then wondering who it was from i looked at the return address. Nearly having a heart attack i started freaking out. Heart racing, hands shaking, and all of my fears of him finding me felt like they had come true. Recently my father has been sending lots of pictures out to me for me to look at and things have been said from my friends back in utah, as well as from my sisters, that makes me almost certain he has been in the town i am living now, watching me. So to see this letter and realizing, i flipped out.

Then Daniel picked up the card from the ground to look where it was sent to originally and told me it was sent to my grandparents. Then forwarded to me. I threw it all on the floor again, not wanting to even deal with the problem till later. Once our guests had left i had reached my point where it was affecting me and i was upset. I finally read the card to see if this was the one hope i have had for the last 12 years was finally coming true. When i was done reading the letter i was frustrated, upset, confused, worried, and all sorts of emotions. I don't know how to handle this. This isn't his attempt to make things better because of his choice of words. The choice of words he selected have me on edge. The information i know about him harrassing my friends and cousins for information on me, the nightmares i have continually where he finds me, hunts me down and tries to kill me, and the things that have been happening with my family and him lately all make me feel that he is up to something and with this past history you have just gone through would it really be all that surprising.

I have an immense amount of anger for only two people in this world. My most recent ex boyfriend who lives in the same town as me again, and my father, with my father being at the top of the list with a golden gun next to his name. I have so much hate and anger towards him, that i honestly wish horrible things on him like him rotting in hell for eternity. I feel he deserves nothing but pain and suffering for all the things he has done and is continuing to do do his children and ex wife. I then feel bad that i feel that much hate. I know it's not right. I want to do terrible things to him and i know i shouldn't. I think constantly about different ways i could have others who are willing and have no morals, to do the things i want him to feel and go through. This isn't right of me to feel this and think these things but after all i have had to go through i don't see how there could be any other way. I have tried time and time again to let it go and move on. Then something else comes up. I think i have left things in the past and it comes up again. I am never really moving on, it's just that the issue changes and i learn a different way of pushing aside all of these problems only to have them fling back at me.

I have talked to councilors for about 8 years about this very issue and the only thing that works a bit is talking about it. But with all this damage it keeps coming up and with it keep coming up i can't move on. The one man who has been in my life that might have been able to step up and fill this void in my life and help complete the emptiness, that i think would help me in these issues of my father, has basically told me that he has no intention of ever recovering the damage he has done to our family as well. He was too afraid to commit and be what we needed him to be. He was too afraid to love and be a man. So he turned and dashed out the back door. Leaving with a shallow hope of his return. I have talked to him and learned the real truth also realizing that all respect i had for him is gone and he is just a person to be lost in the dust of time.

Our stories will go on, stumbling through, until someone has balls enough to do what needs to be done. Don't get me wrong im not saying a man has to fix our issues. We are perfectly capable to deal with things on our own and go through life strong. But until a man who has values and courage enough to face the scary stories of life comes along to play that fatherly figure, my faith and respect for fathers has dwindled to nearly nothing. The man needs to be able to put his family first and truly love them and do what he can to help and keep his family together, not run and destroy everything.

With this all being said i don't want to have my words taken out of context or mis understood. There are men out there who have their heads on strait. But so far, non have been found to fill the role that i need filled. I need someone to be a husband to my mother, who will love me and my sisters as if we were his own. That's all i ask for. All i wish for. and all i have wanted for the past 12 years of my life. I don't see this happening anytime soon.

My problem is i want this and the only thing i have ever known to have fulfilled this at one point is my father. I have a hope that someday he will realize he has thrown his life away and change. I would love to have a working relationship with him were i could trust him again. I give in to those times where i think it might... just might... be that miracle moment that my life could turn around again. I hesitantly open the doors for the bomb to be laid to explode.

To this man, if you do exsist. PLEASE PLEASE HEAR THIS PLEA. Be a man and love.

This concludes my emotional speal for the time being and hopefully those who have read this can get a bit of an idea into my head. I know lots of times people mis understand and interpret things wrong and then the mental image and respect of a person changes for the negative. I hope that my point is viewed clearly for the position i am in. If there is advice out there I am willing to hear and consider. If there are complaints about my attitude and way of thinking, i don't want to hear it because i just don't care right now. You stick your feet in my shoes through all of this and then... i might care to hear what has to be said about my negative attitude.

To my loving and faithful readers, this is just thoughts that have been rambling through my head for the last 6 hours that needed to be released in some way for me to attempt to move on. Advice on what to do to better the situation or how to handle the bracing for what is around this next corner, i am interested. Thoughts that you have while reading this article would really be intriguing to hear as well so please feel free to share.

Am i wrong for feeling the way i do, even when i don't act upon the emotions?

What would your next move be if you were me?

Issue 55 2-12-2012