The FIGHT for Love

Flashback. Sitting in a bed, nauseous, weak, low energy and pale. Today is the day! The day I become new and renewed, again! Re-birth doesn't happen twice in any human's life, normally...so how is this so?

Friends and family come from far places to share. Love can never be forgotten or ignored and in such a dier time of need. Two years of needles, scans, tests, poking and prodding, tubes, towering metal poles, hospitals, doctors, nurses, early wake up calls for blood draws.

For two years during a time when a child is learning how to be themselves and how the world works, there was a child learning about the world, but a part of the world no child (or adult) should ever have to learn about. A day anticipated for over two years is finally here in the present, starring you down. A lingering question hiding in the dark corners of the room, "what if this doesn't work"? There haven't been many that have done this before me.

Experimental treatment relates to a hamster in a roll around ball. The whole world looking in on you with no place to hide or have for yourself. Everyone else is more in control than you and at any moment you can be picked up and tossed around for eyes to observe movement and change.

Today, thoughts carry voices in the passing winds of those lost in the transformation of rebirth. Somewhere something went so wrong, that there was no complete recovery of the worlds definition of "normal" cells. The weak, pale, low energy body couldn't keep up any longer with the constant change and observations of differential outcomes.

Those young and old, male and female, close and distant, one common denominator remains unchanged, year after year. The void can't be filled or forgotten from such a tragic loss. Guilt, shame, regret, anger, frustration, abandonment, anguish, all tear at the remaining heart strings, sometimes all at once. It's hard enough going about and trying to act like something enormous hasn't changed you and your outlook on life. It's hard to move around and pretend for others like it's all alright all of the time.

Heartstrings are precious things. Precious reminders that we are human and have feelings. We have meaning. Purpose. We need love and we can't live without loving in return. Strangers, friends, fo, neighbors, family, teachers, preachers, everyone is someone to someone. Therefore no one should be forgotten by anyone.

There have been days where all I have wanted to do was die so that my friends could live and be with their families. I feel guilt, shame, regret, anger, frustration, abandonment, anguish, just like all the families of those who lost their loved ones.

Guilt- It should have been me, I don't know how to handle the looks that parents give when you meet up shortly after the loss. I feel often like they are thinking, " why couldn't you go so I could see them one last time"? I know full well that I had nothing to do with this loss and that everyone at some point is going to feel unexplainable feelings and I can't change that either.

Shame- Why do I slip into the daily grind of life that others take for granted. I swore I would never do that again. I know the value of life and living to the fullest potential everyday. I know that I should always be working harder to make a better life for myself whether I am eating healthier, taking care of my medical issues or so on.

Regret- Why didn't I talk to them more? Why didn't I make that call when I had that inspiration? Why didn't I just get on a plane and come home? Why couldn't I see the situation more clearly for what it was? Why didn't I do better at being the friend I should have been?

Anger/frustration- I was ready to go, why didn't I? I knew I should have done better. Why did it have to be that way, now? Why couldn't they experience more life and joyous occasions? Why did they finally let go, they were fighters and so strong, what did they know that we don't?

Abandonment- I am the only survivor out of my friends, I don't want to make any more friends who have been in that position so I can't lose anyone else. No one understands how it feels to be my age with this experience and the amount of loss.

Pain- so much going on, words can't fully describe how it feels and why even. Love does funny things to people and gives them strength when needed. Love fills the cracks of emptiness. Memories glaze over the bruises and cuts from our battle scars, they never fully go away.

I celebrate. I celebrate that I made it through darkness, a survivor even if I am the only one. I celebrate the happy times I had with all those involved in that time period so that those who can't be with us in person, can still be remembered and celebrated as well. I celebrate because I am making myself a better person the longer I hold on and FIGHT! I celebrate to thank all those who stood by me and lifted my spirit, those who kept me company and helped me see the light, those who stood by and took the verbal beating and abuse that medication does to a person.

To all those who were involved in my life at that point in time, I celebrate you and your amazing strength that helped carry me through! Thank you for being there, thank you for understanding(or at least trying), thank you for comfort, peace, love, acceptance, normality. Thank you! We celebrate you on this important day, seven years later. You are always in my heart and thought about throughout the whole year, today we celebrate LOVE!

Educated and Inspired

Last week I didn't post because we were out of the area for a weekend conference for Hubbs. We got to meet Chiropractors from all around the world and we got to learn about more elements of being healthy and living to the best of our capability.

Health is such an important part of life and vitality. Taking care of our bodies is not only a base element for our religion but also in the general public's goal of living as long as possible. Everyone is separated into three categories.

The first being those who know and want to learn more. They also want to do what ever they can to be completely healthy, also known as, "crunchy". These people know about the importance of home grown fruits and veggies, grass fed animals used for human consumption, Coconut oil and all the different ways to use it as a more natural moisturizer and cleanser.

The second type is those who know and have heard about the importance of eating healthy and care, but don't really change many of their habits. Usually they can't let go of their "conventional" foods that have GMO and pesticide changing the structure of our daily meals. They usually cut down on the pre-processed foods at the very beginning.

The third type is those who don't know and don't care what they eat. Usually you can find these in fast food restaurants multiple times a week and when not found there, they eat pre-processed frozen meals. This type is usually overweight, unhappy, with several health issues and lots of pain in their joints that they either are highly aware of and use as an excuse, or they don't pay attention to pain at all and have mass inflammation issues.

We are working to be fully engaged in the type one category. There are so many alarming stories we have heard about the food we eat and how it changes our DNA for generations. We are learning about how "diseases" are possible and likely, but often over exaggerated by those ignorant to this information, causing and over diagnosed and mis-interpreted by society. We are working on getting more exercise on a daily basis and eating less during a meal, but eating more frequently to keep hunger at bay. The more I do to try and lose my weight the more I seem to gain and it's frustrating for me and confusing.

Having cancer issues at a young age, I have become aware of this importance younger than most of my peers in high school. Now we are involved in a group of peers that are more knowledgable than we are and learn from them about taste as well. We have decided that with all this knowledge and understanding we need to start over and have a fresh start if you will. We are doing a detox cleanse to completely clear our body of all the gunk that has built up and creating blockages. We also just invested in a fancy new blender. It's like the Vita-mix one but the original designers at a cheaper price. I am excited because I can make so many fun things and not have to worry about jamming the machine or overheating it like a cheap blender from Wal-mart or Target.

We have been using this to blend more veggies into drinks and make our consumption of veggies much higher. I can mix in different ingredients to help with eliminating cancer cells and free radicles like Kale, Chia seeds and more. With my most recent experience of symptoms coming up again, I have figured out it was time to get things moving forward with my health vs our adoption. I have put everything in our life on hold. I talked to my doctor and started tests. There has been several moments where I have determined that there is a mass that will most likely need surgery and that it could be cancerous. We are trying to plan accordingly but bottom line is we really want to know. I have called my doctor several times since all the testing has been done and there is still no response.

I am fed up with that so I took my scan copies to a Chiropractic Radiologist who will have a report written up for me within the next few days hopefully.  We still don't know what is going on or any results for sure. I know we have had a load of friends and family asking about what is going on and how I am feeling. Truth is, I don't know. I don't know anything. I take it day by day and sometimes I feel amazing, others I feel pain and just want to lay down and not do anything. There are also days where I am wanting to be fully engaged with people and have fun being around them, others I just don't want to talk about it and want to be alone. I have nothing new to say to anyone and it kind of gets me down sometimes when I think about the different issues going on that others don't understand. I am doing the best I can with what I have available to me. Yes, it's not fair or acceptable. I can't change this right now.

I am not ignoring your messages and phone calls, I just have a lot of them and I am trying to distract myself right now so that I can stay in the right mindset for myself. Please be understanding that I do want to talk to you, I just need some time. Thanks for your patients, your love, support, prayers, kindness, we really appreciate it. Stay posted for weekly updates on what's going on. As we know more, we will let you all know. Till then keep smiling!

Clouded and Learning

Normally I don't feel this way, but today, I DO.

Growing up I have always been told as part of our religious belief that "Wonderful, Glorious things are in store for you, if only you will believe, obey, endure".

Being in the middle of a heated moment I have clouded judgment right now. I think "This is just what they tell us so that people will deal submissively with the issues we have, and often place on ourselves". I know that my clouded judgment is wrong, but it doesn't change how one feels when they have been totally screwed over royally by those who act illegally or otherwise, wrong.

I was working at a job that I absolutely loved. I loved working with students and helping them find their voice and share with others what they believe so strongly. I loved being able to see Hubbs on occasion when he was in-between classes. I loved most of the people I encountered and worked with. I loved the work I was doing and was willing to take it home most nights, because I believed that much in the job I was doing. Then a week after I was told I was going to become full time and be the leader of the Marketing Team, they tell me I am no longer working there. I have my suspicions and I know that shady stuff has gone on previously with the company. I know also, that they have no real sincere sense of kindness. It's all a show. Even with all the negativity I had seen I still loved the job till this day I was informed I was no longer needed. Bitterness has jaded my perception of this happy, peaceful place I LOVED. When my official last day came, the company and supervisors handled the situation terribly and made others view me as a criminal. With the interactions I had, I felt like I was. I had to be escorted out of the building to my car as if I was going to do what, destroy the halls on my way out? I am not that kind of person and was willing to go quietly even after being screwed. Then my last paycheck came in and it was short by at least 10 hours of pay and when I logged in to check and print my last paystub, they had totally locked me out. So I called and they refuse to talk to me about it. Now my grudge is building and my anger with the people I worked with directly on this is really building as well. People deserve to be treated with respect when it is deserved. I feel that I deserved it. Now I keep hearing more and more stories of other friends who have been let go with situations almost exactly the same as mine. What idiots they are. They will end up having people who  don't care about them and are as insincere as they are working for them and the value of the company will be crap just like the other schools in this field. This school had value and was different from the others, hence, why we decided to come here.

Now my rant is over, lets move on.

This week has been my first of relaxation, kinda.  I have my first doc appointment today. It's taken a year for us t get the insurance issues fixed and working smoothly. Stupid Obama-Care! I haven't seen a doc in about two years because it was so expensive we either had to pay medical bills or rent. Last I knew, there was a spot on my ovary that was new and needed to be followed up on. That was with the last test that I did, over two years ago. Lately I have had lots of pain and some of the symptoms of my cancer previously, have come back. I am also the last remaining survivor of a group of kids who had the same treatment as I back in 2007-2008. So mind you, I am freaking out A LOT! This added stress doesn't help the panic attacks I have started having over the last two years. I had them a lot for a few months back when I was 13 years old. From that time on, I haven't had an episode till my last year in college when I would get them almost hourly from all the stress I was putting myself through with working, school, life and so on. So if you see me in the fetal position, face down, I am dealing with a panic attack and trying to focus on calming my breathing.

I am always learning. Learning to control my clouded judgments and anger. Learning to handle my anxiety better. Learning to interact with others and their differing personalities. Learning how to overcome challenges and situations while still keeping a smile on my face and not letting it get to me. I am sure I probably won't totally learn all these lessons till after I am dead but still, I am trying.

Last weekend Hubbs and I went to a wedding for a friend from college, in Fresno. We stayed with some other friends whom we also met in college and moved there for more schooling. We went to the zoo and had a lot of fun walking around. It was SUPER hot though. Granted we are use to cooler temps anyway.

This update has been brought to you by the word "Learning". Thanks for reading and keeping up with me. I love to write and think. I am hoping that you will read this and think of a topic that I could write about in my next blog. Put down in the comments below things you would like to talk about with me.

Weekend Reunion

This week has been an interesting one for sure!

I decided since I am staying at home now during the days I might as well get to work on my many to do lists that have been in progress for some time. Now I think I got ahead of myself here and started on too many of them all at once.

Hubbs and I have a fairly large music collection of over 10,000 songs (not counting Christmas Collection of all of our religious churchy music) that we have been trying to maintain by having labels for every song and putting them in one location that we can both have access to on our computers, but also have backed up in case or theft or something else. Since previously my attempts vanished in the robbery of our car the week we moved, (car got broken into in Walmart Parking lot and my computer was stolen. The back-up files were only readable by my computer... OOPS! So we lost all wedding photos and everything!) we have been trying to get everything recovered that we can. Life hasn't been as pleasing to us in regards to getting stuff done that we want to do, let alone the things we need to do, like the constant heaping mountain of laundry that never seems to be done, or the towerous landscape of dishes that magically appear and fill every empty space in our kitchen.

We recently purchased an external hard drive that connects to the Wi-Fi at our house, so I have slowly been going through each cd, one-by-one copying them over to my computer so I can transfer them over to the hard drive and making sure I-tunes doesn't take over again.

Next project was to be the perfect house wife and have the house always clean, food on the table when the husband came home and still be able to manage my time for crafts and things that need to get done like making appointments, shopping and so on... That hasn't happened once!

Reality is, I haven't been feeling all that well so among my many attempts to TRY getting on top of everything I am fighting pain and fatigue.

I wanted to start working out everyday as well to make myself lose weight and start feeling a little more satisfied with me and fitting into my clothes again. I have been so focused on daily grind stuff for the last two years, that I have kind of forgotten about me and what I need to do to stay healthy and in shape. I also don't have the money to be going out and buying a whole new wardrobe because my body decided to go rogue and gain a bunch of weight. Oh Yeah! Forgot to add in one note, my body, decided it wanted to go into menopause so everything I knew about handling my body has gone right out the window and I am on fire like ALL THE TIME! It's ridiculous. Seriously, I want to live in an ice bath most all day because these hot flashes don't hardly ever go away. It's like the furnace broke and went to 1,000 degrees all the sudden and stays there. So if ever you see me out and about and I look miserable, it's just the flashes talking.

I have started blogging again and I am so glad about this because I really do have a lot going on in this head of mine and by doing this, I finally can get my deep thoughts out and feel more complete with everything. I like to have time to myself to just get deep. Thinking about the cosmos and our future after we die and what others beyond the veil are doing. Is pops watching me, is he proud? Is he guiding me to be the person I want to be or is he too busy doing what he needs to be doing? What is my purpose on this earth? If I have gone through so many life challenges that most people don't experience till in their 50's or older, what else is in store for me? If I am going through these challenges so young, then I guess I can expect harder times to come in my older adult years?

While I was in school busting tail trying to get smart and all, I literally was doing homework 24/7. NO JOKE! Then I figured after we graduated and moved, I could start being an adult and enjoy my evenings. Specially since there isn't any kids to run around. Hubbs would be busy studying and I figured I would have nothing to do. WRONG AGAIN! I have so much to do and so little time to do it, I just don't have a demanding job anymore, that's it.

How do these house wives do it? How do they get everything done, stay happy, have great relationships and money to enjoy? Well I guess I should find out! I want to have some money to play around with. Though it wouldn't really be throwing anything away. I would use it to take a class I have been wanting to take for a while. The class is based in St. George and is 4 days long. The pre-class portion is done online and the whole program is going to cost $2,000. This class focuses on the body's connection to the spirit and working together to clear blockages in the body that are harmful and causing negative outcomes. The program teaches you how to find these blockages and clearing them out by connecting two energy sources, the client and administrator (me). To some this sounds like a hoax I know, I was there when I first heard about it. Then out of curiosity I had it done to me and light bulbs started coming on. It makes so much sense and it's all natural. The body has to be open and willing for it to happen for the change to take place. Just like with Chiropractic. Everything we are learning with Hubbs in school is that the body wants to heal itself. Sometimes it just needs a little help and that is what everyone is trying to figure out. How do we help the body with this natural process. Some want to speed it up or put a band-aid on it and ignore it temporarily (medication), others want natural healing that eliminates bit by bit and has a better outcome.

Making a statement like that sounds bias and one sided. I just want to state that I use pills. I hate them, but I do it out of desperation for immediate cover, then I use the natural to do the rest. (example , when I know I am going to have people over and we are needing to be upbeat and lively, but I have a splitting headache, I will take a small dose of a pill so that my suffering is more of an in between. Then doing the natural stuff helps take the suffering away more.) Advanced stuff for someone who isn't afraid to think about it for a bit.

Anyway, I have a line-up planned for tutorials. I am excited to get crafting again and sharing more details with everyone. I have done so many things I wish I had posted because it was great. But hopefully everything will be exploding on the blogs soon. Keep and eye open for next posts. This weekend will be slow because we are going to visit some college friends that we haven't seen in a few years for a wedding! YAY!

Enjoy friends!

Learning to Face the Music

I wake up with a gaping hole in my heart. Something precious and fragile to me has been ripped out and lost. Hesitating to move one foot in front of the other I slowly inch my way toward the door. Fear comes over me and makes everything cold. I quickly turn around and run back into bed. I think to myself for a moment and remind myself, this is temporary, it's not bad, this connection is for eternity.

Tears come rolling down my pudgy cheeks as that hole feels bigger and bigger. Looking around I see what appears as a home I once found comfortable because of the peace and serenity of it being mine and quiet. Now I see it as bare, empty, lonely and quiet- too quiet.

This last week I had the wonderful opportunity of having family from out of town stay at our house. Some might get a little nervous about the thought of having 5 extra bodies in the little two bedroom house and three of which being little children. Me? I was thrilled. So thrilled I almost wet my pants when I would think about the opportunity we were about to embark on. I knew there was going to be noise and little children waking me up in the morning and running all through my house. That didn't bother me one bit. I cherished every moment of it and now all I want is for it back. It felt so complete and so right.

I am in an odd place in my life. One I hoped I would never find myself in. Unfortunately there isn't much I can not do about it, other than to take it moment by moment and learn to feel each emotion and each prompting to guide me back on the path I originally wanted to embark on.

With my situation being as it is that I can't have children of my own, I have taken this personal many times. I have felt like I was being punished for my actions when I was a dumb teen. I have felt like this is a test of my faith to see how far I can be pushed before I hit my limit and call it quits. I have felt like I am the biggest failure of all time, because women are created to bear children and raise them. That one purpose I physically cannot accomplish. I feel like a defect that has no worth or value.  I feel alone because none of my friends my age can even understand the situation being that way for themselves. I go to church and everyone has babies and that is the main topic of conversation. I go out with friends and we have to work around their schedule because their kids need nap time. I get so frustrated because all I have ever wanted is to be that "ONE" person and I feel like that will never happen because of issues that were beyond anyone's control. I got sick with something that should have killed me.

No one else I know my age has ever been through as much figurative crap as I have and therefore no one can relate. Many adults haven't even been through many of these topics or issues and so relating to people is very hard. This is another element in my hatred for myself and another musical note I have to learn to love and accept.

Having my family love and support me with all I do has always been my dream. Having a big family of my own has always been a dream of mine as well. I always have wanted to be surrounded by love and family. Having what I want is not possible. It may be a timing issue, a physical issue, a relatability issue, whatever it may be, it's out of my control. I know that, I need to accept that. I don't want people thinking that I am just complaining and I really believe that I am this ugly horrible person, because I know I am not. I am human just like you and everyone else. I have feelings I can't always ignore and push aside. Sometimes just being in that moment and letting us go through the motions of what the moment and emotions need, helps us to be stronger and we can better understand ourselves and why we feel what we feel and how to overcome in the future.

I know I can adopt. I know that sometime in my existence somewhere, I will be a mother to children and I will do anything I need to make them happy and strong, smart, reliable, trustworthy, obedient, self-reliant and that they can think for themselves and have a voice of their own.  I know that I will be a great mom when that time comes. I know I am beautiful in someone's eyes no matter how I look. I know that I have worth and great potential for marvelous things. I know that I have a purpose that has not yet been fulfilled. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself in accepting who and what I am and that I am most definitely not alone. I know there are those out in this world who have been in similar experiences and who understand completely what I feel. I also know my Heavenly Father has been there with me every step of the way. I know that with his power anything is possible and that all I need to do is to let it happen in his time and in his way.

With recent changes in my life, I have been quiet surprised with myself. I am realizing that I do have a testimony of my own and it is strong. I know that I do have faith in the eternal plan and our Father in Heaven. I know that this is all happening for a reason and that I am being groomed for bigger, better things. I know that there is a purpose for suffering.

With every change comes fear of the unknown. I am not going to lie and say that losing my job hasn't freaked me out and made me have moments of doubt. IT HAS! I am not going to lie and say that I didn't at some point or another feel like this was the end, I HAVE. I am not going to lie and say that I felt I was being dropped off a cliff for dead with no other plan, I HAVE. I also have felt peace, comfort, understanding, patience and love like never before. I have seen things changing in myself I never thought I could feel or see so clearly. It is truly amazing and rewarding to me. I know I am doing the right things in my life because I can finally see the alignment coming together of a plan the Savior has. I still don't know the outcome but I know there is a purpose and that everything will be alright. I need to grab onto that comfort and peace so hard that it couldn't possibly slip away and follow it even if it's hard.

I am learning to love myself again. Learning to get myself back on track with my spirituality, my physical exercise and appearance, my patience with others around me. I need to get back on track and learn to find my voice and who I want to be. I need to clear the rubble to find the pathway to who I want to be. I need to accept that my home is only temporarily empty and that family is only leaving for a short time. I will have them in my life for eternity as long as I am worthy myself. I know that I need to find what I truly feel I should be doing wit my time and days that can keep me happy and not overwhelmed to the point of submission. I need to find me again and clear all the mess up around me to make my home and my space a place of TRUE love and peace. I need to let all the crap go because it really has no merit in my life and what I need to do. I need to do this for myself but also to be fair to my current family, my future family and all that is good in my life. To those who truly and selflessly support us, I am deeply and sincerely grateful for you and your example in my life. Thank you for your patience and love.

The beginning of an end.

This is craft day with Stephanie a few weeks ago. We made paper roses, decorated mason jars and made them into lamps and candles. We did crafts while the guys played video games. 

This is the same night. Steph and Justin decided to sleep over with us and so we pulled all the extra blankets out. We have a ton because i LOVE blankets. 

The next morning we all decided to make a fort in the front room with all of the blankets. 

This is Easter morning. Daniel and i did an easter egg hunt, thanks to my mom for sending us candy and eggs. It was so much fun to do this for ourselves. I got crafty and taped one to the fan. It was so heavy though, it fell off while he was looking for another one and i had to stick it back up before he could find it. Sadly i think he saw me doing it and so it gave it away to him. 

This has been one of my newest projects. I was tired of having to tear apart our closet to get to my clothes that were in bins and i knew i liked the drawers already so i went and got another 8 things from walmart and now we have a wall of clothes for Brittney, in our room. Don't worry Daniel has most of the closet for all his clothes and he has some drawers as well, just not in this picture. I have the wall, he gets the closet. So it works out. I keep telling Daniel that now he has a place for all of his stuff so i don't have to see it all laying on the floor with no place of it's own. It makes me happy having a clean home! :) 

My newer project other than the drawers is family history. I have been feeling lately that i would think it would be fun to try it out and find names to do in the temple. I logged onto the new family search site, www.new.familysearch.org , and i put in my information. I could only find my mom and dad's sides and so i went through and basically did that for a full day straight. Through that i found 60 names that i am going to take to the temple tomorrow morning when we go and ill be starting the work that needs to be done for these family members. I was trying to find Daniel's side and see what could be done through there and Finally was able to get it by manually putting in all the information that i had on the living people. Then after that i could connect the deceased side with the living and so now im just needing to add the Long side and the Gillens. I had to take a break from the searching because of school and having Thursdays being my busiest day for all my assignments and tests. So on my free time, that is what i am doing, searching for family names. Daniel and i went through and found some names from our past family, that we might want to name our children when we start adopting. We came up with a royal idea and our children are going to feel like kings and queens. They all are pretty unique too, so they wont be sharing names with anyone else. I can't wait to have kids of our own to play with and name. I looked into adoption with the church and we have to be married for two years first so we still have another year and 3 months to go. So for now we will stick to pets and figuring out names for them. We (meaning me basically) have named our future dogs Mowgley, and Pucca. Like in the disney movies Jungle book, and Anastasia. 

Chives is doing good. We just found a tank last week on the bulletin board for school, a new tank!  It's twice as long and she loves it. She went crazy for the like the first 3-4 days just splashing everywhere, swimming back and forth constantly. We like it cause we enjoy seeing her actually swimming. She brings us such joy and laughter watching her everyday. We play with her through the glass and we talk to her just like she is a person, and every night before we turn her light off, we both say goodnight like we are tucking her into bed. haha 

School started last week and Daniel and i are both so glad to finally be back in school. He is glad because of work and the income from that, I am happy because of the consistency again, and because i only have one more year left and i am done, SO MOTIVATING! I ended up finding a part time job on campus as a secretary for the home and family department. Ironic right!? The department of the school that is second on my list for most disliked. First is records and administration, or the counseling department. Hard to determine cause they are both kinda the same. I just want to get out of this town as fast as possible. I am so sick of living in the mormon bubble and i want to be around culture and people who aren't all holier than holy stuck up. I miss culture! 

I got a bike this week so that i can start bike riding again. I used to ride everyday, as hard as i could, untill my legs turned to jello. I loved it and it's been SUCH NICE weather lately that it sounded like a good idea. I need to fix a few minor things on it and need Daniel's knowledge and strength to help me fix it up so hopefully this weekend, if it stops snowing. Crazy weather here! ALL WEEK we have had beautiful sunny days that range in temps from 70-mid 80's, with slight rain and thunder that rolls in at about 5 each night and clears up again in the morning. Today we woke up to SNOW!!!! ARGGG so much for camping weather this weekend! 

I started my tutoring class this week. I go in to get tutored in the same place that Daniel works. They do stuff like teach study skills and help out how they can. I needed to take a test to show where i needed help. I am taking the class cause Daniel has told me lots about it and i needed credit, not because i was "special needs". After taking the test the teacher in charge told me that the memory problems i have are indeed something i have been telling people about for years. She explained it to me better and helped 

So, other than school, work, chives, and all these projects im trying to get into not much is really going on. Just enjoying life being married and adjusting to a life of constant change. Oh, for those that knew about the court hearing i was involved in. The guy is taking a plea bargain so i wont have to go and testify on monday so i am soooooo pleased. I went to see a therapist at the school about it all and she said " you're doing what i would tell you to do for the best recovery process, so you don't need to see me. Come back later if you still feel it's a problem" Good and bad, also, further proving the lack of concern from the administrative level here at this school. 

I think it's great to have a religious school for people, however, i think they need to give the students the right to choose for themselves. I feel that the controling that goes on here from the administration department, gets tighter each semester and the choice to choose for ourselves gets smaller each time as well. example: For devotional each week (last year) we could take our computers and be on the internet reading talks or doing homework while in devo. Now, they shut off the internet so that you can't use it at all. My mom said when i got up here that she didn't worry about me because i had more restrictions and rules than when i did when i was at home. I thought before coming up here that i was being controlled too much for my age, but seeing how things are here, It was a piece of cake. haha. 

ANYWAY, I gotta get going to work now, so enjoy your day! 

issue 58 4-27-12

Pictures

It was late when i made this and i hadn't had much sleep so i sound a bit tired or off, that's why. This is our vlog update for the week with pictures from the last month in a half.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yd76VahLg4

Issue 57  3-18-2012

Pretty un eventful life of being OFF Track.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2cx2wRH7wQ

felt like doing it video style today. enjoy. pretty short video but gives update information.

Daniel didn't want to be in the video but was sitting next to me on the couch. lol

Learning to face those ugly demons called PROBLEMS!

Facing problems.

As you get older and find yourself dealing with things of life you learn getting older doesn't have advantages after you hit adulthood. Your past starts coming back to haunt you and tears apart the best things in your life. You thought moving on was an easier thing and that it was past you by now. You realize, it doesn't really get better, it just changes. There have been many difficulties in my life that i have had to try very hard to let go of and get over. Things i push aside and forget about for the time being and later it hits me right between the eyes.

The one event that happens that starts the terrible sting of the bite of reality hurts the most. When reality bites again you start to become numb to the feeling and you learn to fight it off and try to avoid it, but some time, some day, reality finds you and bites you when you least expect it. For a 12 year old this is a hard lesson to learn but one i had to learn hard, and fast. My grandfathers death when i was 10 years old was the turning point for my life were i could no longer trust and be at ease.

I guess you could say i was a normal kid who had a father who would play with her and wanted the world for her. Over working even, just to make sure she got the most out of life. The friendship between us was unseperable and i thought that i would never have to worry about being alone because if worse came to worse i would have him by my side to help me through things. I was a little girl who loved her daddy more than anything. Wanted to grow up and be just like him, big, strong, tough, hard worker... ect. Then that day came when the story of love i knew, became just a faded fairy tale dream.

My father became selfish, angry, bitter, and just plain terrible. He cared only about him and not what truly mattered, His wife and kids. He let those feelings tear him up inside and control him. Nice acts for other people became part of a game. Soften up the target and hit hard. Make them feel pain like they never knew. I then became the cause to my fathers problems between us because i no longer liked being around a angry man who hit my mother, sisters, and i. I no longer wanted to hear him tell hurtful stories about people i loved, knowing that these stories had no shred of truth. I wanted nothing to do with any of it and was ignored by anyone who knew what was going on and could do anything to stop it. No one wanted to hear stories from a little kid about a man who looked so nice to them. Those who knew the real story couldn't step up and face the fear of doing what was right.

I then created a shell for myself. I couldn't let anyone in. Every time i did, i got hurt. I still loved my family. I still wanted to have a daddy around to wrestle with, talk to about things, to cuddle with and fix things with. I still wanted a complete family that was happy and could do things fun together. I had to drop it all and grow up. For my 13th birthday i was in junior high. The week of my birthday i got pulled out of class every day to go to the office and pick up a birthday present from my father. One day was a gift card to go out to dinner, another day was a huge box of chocolates, big vase of roses, money to go shopping.... ect. Then, Friday came i went to the office and when i got there, there was a note from my dad telling me just how much he loved me, that he would do anything to get me back in his life. He wanted me back and said that i was just acting out and needed to start behaving properly. Along with this letter was a woman from the state child protective services to talk to me about my abusive behavior to my sisters and how if this story was true i would be put in a foster home. Now, i had gone off the edge a bit during this time, there were times i wanted to hurt my middle sister for aiding my father in situations he had started, but never, ever, ever did i lay a finger on anyone because i knew it would end up being bad for me. So instead i took my anger out by writing nasty letters to my dad in my journal, so he would never see them, and hitting pillows in my bedroom while i screamed at the top of my lungs. The lady spoke with me saying my father had called her the day before and told her i was abusing my sisters. He went into her office to meet with her for several hours and left her with pictures of my sisters and bruises they had. The lady talked with me for the entire day of school to figure things out and told me if it was to ever happen or be reported again i would be in a foster home. She said that it was my fathers wishes that i be put in at this time.

Every year after for my birthday, my father would get nice gifts for my sisters and nothing for me. He told them to come home and tell me all about them and to let me know if i was to come back and see him i would get good gifts too. This happened for birthdays, and christmas. So i figured when i was 14 i would give it a chance. Let him into my bubble and give him a chance to be that dad i still wanted. Then after i did that he got me these things, i would go and visit and the whole time he sat there rehashing all the same horrible stories that caused me to leave in the first place. When i tried to take my things back home with me, he held them hostage. Still to this day i haven't gotten any of it.

Then for my 15th birthday I had a party where there was a guy who was in high school that came over. We were only friends and there was nothing that would cause people to think otherwise. We would hang out at my place with my mom and watch movies on the weekends. Well the week or two before my birthday my friend forgot to move his car from the front of the house when my father was dropping off my sisters. My father asked about the car and my sisters said it was my boyfriend and that he was 19 years old. So two days before my birthday there was a court hearing about stuff dealing with my mom and dad and the property. During the hearing my dad said that he wanted me put in juvi and this boy put in jail for having sexual relations with a minor. He continued to say that we would make out on the couch in front of my sisters while my mother sat there watching. He said i would go out drinking with him and was doing drugs and having sex. He said he had proof because the guy who lived in the house across the street from where he lived, which my father was renting out, was named the same name and he evicted him. When my father was cleaning up the mess he said he found a picture of me and underwear of mine on the floor as well as clothes. The state then came to school again and pulled me out. This time knowing his crap stories and stayed less than 30 mins.

Later that year the court FINALLY agreed that i could have communication with him at my discretion and that if he violated that, i could get a restraining order. We then moved shortly after that and problems still arose. Shortly after my 17th birthday i was in the hospital recovering from my chemo treatments and was preparing for a major procedure. My mom had a court hearing that all of the sudden required her to go to utah for, leaving me alone in the hospital. The next day mom got a notice that there was a warrant out for her arrest in utah and cali. My mom couldn't leave the hospital without going in secret.

Now with this all in mind that would be a bit of a hard thing to accept from someone you loved at one time. All i wanted was a dad to love me and care for me, to protect me, and guide me. Instead i got him. My heart is now hard and cold. I still ache with every fiber to have that loving father. Knowing what i once had... and what i have. How he hurt me...time...after...time...after...time.

For my 22nd birthday he decided to send me a letter in the mail with some money saying something to the affect of "this money is not to reward you for your behavior but to give you a treat for your birthday" This letter was sent to my grandparents house in cali. Then was forwarded to my address. When Daniel wen't to get the mail tonight, he came in and we had guests over to watch a movie and laugh and enjoy our time together. He put the mail on the table like usual and we looked through it quickly just to see if anything important was there. I found a card with my name and i got excited. Then wondering who it was from i looked at the return address. Nearly having a heart attack i started freaking out. Heart racing, hands shaking, and all of my fears of him finding me felt like they had come true. Recently my father has been sending lots of pictures out to me for me to look at and things have been said from my friends back in utah, as well as from my sisters, that makes me almost certain he has been in the town i am living now, watching me. So to see this letter and realizing, i flipped out.

Then Daniel picked up the card from the ground to look where it was sent to originally and told me it was sent to my grandparents. Then forwarded to me. I threw it all on the floor again, not wanting to even deal with the problem till later. Once our guests had left i had reached my point where it was affecting me and i was upset. I finally read the card to see if this was the one hope i have had for the last 12 years was finally coming true. When i was done reading the letter i was frustrated, upset, confused, worried, and all sorts of emotions. I don't know how to handle this. This isn't his attempt to make things better because of his choice of words. The choice of words he selected have me on edge. The information i know about him harrassing my friends and cousins for information on me, the nightmares i have continually where he finds me, hunts me down and tries to kill me, and the things that have been happening with my family and him lately all make me feel that he is up to something and with this past history you have just gone through would it really be all that surprising.

I have an immense amount of anger for only two people in this world. My most recent ex boyfriend who lives in the same town as me again, and my father, with my father being at the top of the list with a golden gun next to his name. I have so much hate and anger towards him, that i honestly wish horrible things on him like him rotting in hell for eternity. I feel he deserves nothing but pain and suffering for all the things he has done and is continuing to do do his children and ex wife. I then feel bad that i feel that much hate. I know it's not right. I want to do terrible things to him and i know i shouldn't. I think constantly about different ways i could have others who are willing and have no morals, to do the things i want him to feel and go through. This isn't right of me to feel this and think these things but after all i have had to go through i don't see how there could be any other way. I have tried time and time again to let it go and move on. Then something else comes up. I think i have left things in the past and it comes up again. I am never really moving on, it's just that the issue changes and i learn a different way of pushing aside all of these problems only to have them fling back at me.

I have talked to councilors for about 8 years about this very issue and the only thing that works a bit is talking about it. But with all this damage it keeps coming up and with it keep coming up i can't move on. The one man who has been in my life that might have been able to step up and fill this void in my life and help complete the emptiness, that i think would help me in these issues of my father, has basically told me that he has no intention of ever recovering the damage he has done to our family as well. He was too afraid to commit and be what we needed him to be. He was too afraid to love and be a man. So he turned and dashed out the back door. Leaving with a shallow hope of his return. I have talked to him and learned the real truth also realizing that all respect i had for him is gone and he is just a person to be lost in the dust of time.

Our stories will go on, stumbling through, until someone has balls enough to do what needs to be done. Don't get me wrong im not saying a man has to fix our issues. We are perfectly capable to deal with things on our own and go through life strong. But until a man who has values and courage enough to face the scary stories of life comes along to play that fatherly figure, my faith and respect for fathers has dwindled to nearly nothing. The man needs to be able to put his family first and truly love them and do what he can to help and keep his family together, not run and destroy everything.

With this all being said i don't want to have my words taken out of context or mis understood. There are men out there who have their heads on strait. But so far, non have been found to fill the role that i need filled. I need someone to be a husband to my mother, who will love me and my sisters as if we were his own. That's all i ask for. All i wish for. and all i have wanted for the past 12 years of my life. I don't see this happening anytime soon.

My problem is i want this and the only thing i have ever known to have fulfilled this at one point is my father. I have a hope that someday he will realize he has thrown his life away and change. I would love to have a working relationship with him were i could trust him again. I give in to those times where i think it might... just might... be that miracle moment that my life could turn around again. I hesitantly open the doors for the bomb to be laid to explode.

To this man, if you do exsist. PLEASE PLEASE HEAR THIS PLEA. Be a man and love.

This concludes my emotional speal for the time being and hopefully those who have read this can get a bit of an idea into my head. I know lots of times people mis understand and interpret things wrong and then the mental image and respect of a person changes for the negative. I hope that my point is viewed clearly for the position i am in. If there is advice out there I am willing to hear and consider. If there are complaints about my attitude and way of thinking, i don't want to hear it because i just don't care right now. You stick your feet in my shoes through all of this and then... i might care to hear what has to be said about my negative attitude.

To my loving and faithful readers, this is just thoughts that have been rambling through my head for the last 6 hours that needed to be released in some way for me to attempt to move on. Advice on what to do to better the situation or how to handle the bracing for what is around this next corner, i am interested. Thoughts that you have while reading this article would really be intriguing to hear as well so please feel free to share.

Am i wrong for feeling the way i do, even when i don't act upon the emotions?

What would your next move be if you were me?

Issue 55 2-12-2012

Cookin it up!

Lots to catch up on... here we go.

I did laundry and this is how my shirt came out. So much for that favorite white shirt.

Finally started the project of organizing all of our movies together and making a list of each. It took over 20 hours to go through the whole process of getting info on all the movies, organizing them on paper, and then organizing them in our binder and on our shelf.

Daniel and i needed a new pair of shoes and there was a sale so we got new shoes and mine rock! Now though i need to stretch it out a bit cause i was blinded by the love of them on how much my foot really hurt wearing them. Toes rubbing against the leather and fabric inside is what hurts. These keep me from sliding on the snow.

This is us on my birthday as we went out for dinner. Daniel made me breakfast, i tried to go get a pedi with ANY friends i have in rexburg and they all came up with reasons not to go or ignored me so that was a bummer, but then we did dinner and had friends over for games and fun and that was really enjoyable. Strange thing growing up, you learn more and more that you dislike your birthdays. For me not necessarily because im getting older every year but for the other events that go on during the day.

This was my first successful pie, it was a cherry pie.

Really yummy and good.

This is Daniel's Pie he made the very next day. Brownie, ice cream, and cookie dough.

This was what we had for my birthday. White Chocolate Mouse with a Raspberry sauce. Really Really smooth, rich, and delish.

Biscuit burgers take 20 mins to make and are yummy.

Home made pizza turned out perfectly. Daniel felt like he was back at porkies.

Now we are going to go hot tubbing and be ice cubes by the time we are done. But hey, you only live once so enjoy. Best wishes, love our loyal and faithful readers!

The Longs!

issue 54 2-4-12

New View for Life.

Sorry this blog took so long to put up. I just got lazy and then one thing after another and i got distracted. Now i feel it's too overwhelming to type it all out and post everything individually so here is a video for you to watch that will take place as our blog. We might keep doing it this way if it turns out good and pretty easy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iZbLdbiMiE

So this blog was easy enough to do. I know the program and am learning more for it for my class as well so im really excited about this and will possibly be doing this more often when i am crammed for time or overwhelmed. A few things that i forgot! OUR TRIP WAS GREAT! Glad we went home for the holidays. We got to spend a pretty even amount of time with each of our families and we got to see just about all of our friends which was really good and the whole trip was very much needed!

This last weekend we had a huge game night and it was awesome. We had 13 people come and invited about 28 with 19 that confirmed originally. So the turn out wasn't too bad. We had some new people over that are our new next door neighbors now and so that was great to meet them and have them meet some of our friends. I also have a friend who is back in town that got married a month ago and i haven't see him since June. His wife made us dinner and we caught up on things and it was lots of fun. We have a small mini trip planned for SLC soon and i will be meeting some of Daniel's friends and family there as well. So we are really looking forward to that as well.

We came up with a few new meals that are pretty good and you might want to try. They are really simple too. The first one is Biscuit Burgers. You get two packs of biscuits from the store, doesn't matter what kind as long as they aren't the crescent kind. I don't think they would work too well. Then you get ground beef or turkey and you brown it in a pan. You put in what ever seasoning you would like with it. You can cut up onion and small bell peppers if you want. We just did some spicy mrs. dash and swamp dust. Then when it is browned you will flatten out each of the biscuits till you can get a spoonful or two of meat in it, then you will pull the ends over and squeeze them together so that nothing comes out the bottom when cooking. Then bake them for as long as the container says for the biscuits (about 8-10 mins). If you want to add cheese chunks into them you can. I did that for Daniel and he said he liked it.

The next item for food was Chicken Taco Stew. You get a chicken breast for each person eating and put it in a crock pot frozen. Then fill it with water till all the chicken is covered. Cook the chicken till it's cooked through. Then pull the chicken out and let cool, until you can shred into smaller bite sized pieces. Then put any kind of chopped up veggies. We put potatoes, carrots, green peas in the pod still, and will be putting in kidney beans or pinto beans next time. Then add about 1/4 - 2/3 cup of taco seasoning. A dash or two of ground cumin, freshly ground pepper, and we added a dash or two of swamp dust. Then let it all cook to your desired tenderness. Add seasoning to your liking and serve with tortillas.

our last item we had this week that was really good and easy was a fruit smoothy. Make how you want but we put about a cup of pineapple, two cups of orange juice, and ice-cream in the blender and enjoyed. All simple meals and really not to pricy either.

This is it for us so i am signing out and hope you all have a great day! Best wishes.

Issue 53 1-15-12

End of a semester

This semester is over and i am so glad. i slid by passing one of my classes by a hair. This class was the biggest pain in the butt and this semester has been the hardest one of all. I have gone through all my binders like 7 of them. This picture is just the papers from only four of my seven binders this one semester. The semester is over now and we are planning for a winter of working. I will be doing an online class so that i can start my other classes when we get back on track.

Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la, la la la la. Daniel and i wanted to get all our gift giving done before we went home so we didn't have to take it to and fro. So we put them under our christmas tree and had our own gift giving time. Our first christmas as a married couple. We don't have any ornaments really because i couldn't find my box when i left home. (looking for it when we go home) The bishop for our ward got trees for us, so we got a tree for our little place.

We are leaving on Wednesday for California and i CAN'T wait to leave. I am all packed. Washed two weeks of laundry, cleaned all the dishes, counters, and working on eating all our left over food.

Chives is good and happy. Swimming, basking, eating. She keeps burring the filter after we have put it in or uncovered it. She pushes the rocks up against it and we have to keep moving them every so often.

Work for me is nuts and i am totally frustrated with the crap that is going on there and want to quit, but as of right now my job is all we got coming in and i'm doing what i can to get more hours and more money but it's just difficult. Anyways that is it and there is nothing new from what has been posted. Have fun and enjoy your holidays. Talk to you then!

Issue 51 12-18-11

Thanks for my health!

I know i usually say that i will get on weekly and put posts up. I have been slacking recently on most things because it was unfortunate that i happened to get a cold a day or two before Thanksgiving and i was dead on the couch the whole time. Daniel was taking care of me until he got sick and then we both became couch potatoes. Thanksgiving day came around and we had a ward dinner with two other families from our ward that didn't go home for the holiday. After that we skipped with our parents for an hour or so and decided it was time to go out and get in those lines for the holiday shopping. We split up and ended up sitting in lines for like 7 hours. Bottom line we got just about everything we wanted and saved lots of money as well as spent lots of money. Good news is though we have everyones Christmas presents and plenty of entertainment for us. The holiday break went by WAY too fast and i didn't get much accomplished because after my cold i ended up getting sick again and having some symptoms similar to the flu. So now you have been updated on what is new with us.

As part of the toys that we decided to get for the holiday Daniel decided he wanted a ps3 and found some great deals fought for a week to get some flaky people to respond to us. When he gave up on that he found one on sale online and got a bunch of games we both wanted to go with it. Today is that magic day where it all comes in. He has been tracking the packages like every half hour and found out that they all got into town this morning. So we had a time we had nothing going on and decided to go home and wait for the system to come in. He didn't want it sitting in front of our door for anyone to take it. We waited and waited and waited for them to come and finally had to go get back to school. As we pulled out we saw that the UPS truck and the MAIL truck both had just pulled up to the complex to deliver packages. Today is one of our longest days on campus because after my class, Daniel has a dinner were we are dressing up nice and get free food and he gets an award. So we wont get home until like 9 tonight.

Looking at the calendar i can't wait. We have one more week of school before our finals and then it's CHRISTMAS break! We are already planning a very busy break. When we get back from Cali we will be starting classes like the very next day.

How are each of you? I hope you are enjoying the holidays and having fun! Best wishes and love sent to you from the LONGS!

issue 51 12-1-11

Remembrance of the reason

So to start out... we have had a busy week of events. Starting off, the school had this really awesome sale this week that we couldn't resist. Perfect timing too! My computer i was working on was so old that the internet chip fried last semester and so i had been using ausb port to get internet. Here at our place though you need to be plugged in unless you pay for your own wifi. So we have been plugging in and this week the internet decided to die on me at home and wouldn't work, so Daniel and I were using his computer for our homework. Kinda hard when almost all of our classes require internet and computers. I have been wanting a new computerthat is a mac for a while now because of all the editing programs and their ease of using them. So i knew i had some grant moneycoming in soon and i know that we were planning on buying me a new computer for christmas with that money. The problem was that the school needed to get rid of the style i wanted because it was old andthey only had threemore. So i got an early christmas present. I have also been working on several projects i have been wanting to attack. I have a hard drive that i have just been throwing files onto for saving and it got outrageously unorganized. So i took this advantage of a new computer to put it all on there and organize it. THANKFULLY it's a whole lot easier on this computer than it was on the other, because the way it notices the files makes it really simple and easy. I am also throwing away files i have no use for or interest in anymore. My hard drive had several projects in that as well. I have my music collections from every time i have redone my computer, my pictures that are never ending, and then the mi-nute project of my documents and video files. Still working on the music part. IT'S HORRENDOUS!!!! I am starting out by downloading all my cds; between Daniel and i, we have about 3 hundred folder binders full of music. So then after i get that all done i get to do all the digital stuff and work on naming them and finding the correct info so i don't have a billion unknown tracks and can't ever find my music i want. Been at it for about three days now and have about 1000 songs done so i still have 2.5 binders left. WISH ME LUCK! :)

Ok so now the next thing... we had our one couch right... well we have people over enough and a good amount of people so i figured it would be a smart investment to get another couch that was bigger than a loveseat. Lucky for us we found this great couple who wanted to sell their couch. Its in like mint condition (just a little old style of fabric so we have a cover for it. ) and the size was wonderful, the price was candy! The couch is 7.8 inches long and so now we have that in our front room and had to totally rearrange our set up in the front room. Daniel says it's small and crowded now, but i think it's fine, specially for a first apartment. The couches are both way comfy! and they look great so it totally works. We have already had two groups of people over and we all had plenty time.

So during one of the groups being over to watch movies with us we

started having problems with our tv, dvd player, and playstation that we use for movies. It would work and kept freezing (never had it happen like this at all!!!) So with black friday coming up we have found some deals that we are debating and think we will be getting a new tv. The one we have is small and hums sometimes louder than the voices you hear when watching.

So this set up that we just changed to will be changed yet again and we might end up having the desk be in the kitchen so we can have more room for the tv.

To add to the problems, i may have mentioned a little while back that our bed risers broke in the middle of the night, freaking the crap out of us while we were sleeping... yeah not fun. So we had to take everything we had out and put the bed on the floor. That was our main storage place.... so it left us with one small path way to get around in our room. We finally had some time on saturday to go to the store (while it was snowing!) to get some wood for a new project. Luckily when i was younger my dad took me to fix

it workshops and i learned how to work with wood and do

projects on my own. (little projects without too much definite detail) So we got the wood and i got to work. Granted drilling holes on the tile at 11:30pm might not have been the smartest thing to do, but i'm not the most patient person sometimes. So we got the glue, screws, tools and everything we needed. I glued them and put the drill on to charge while we tried to watch our movie with friends. Then when they left i got to drilling. They look great, we just need more wood. About 6 more inches on every foot to go. They seem to be holding up alright. We just can't go jumping on the bed and make it slide across the room that's all.

So the snow here, I grew up in snow but i never remember it being as bad as it is here. Part of that could have been because of the neighborhood we lived in. Salt Lake is a whole lot bigger than Rexburg. Here they don't scrape the streets when it snows so you have ice every night until it finally melts. Luckily it's been pretty warm in the days to help the snow not stay too long. When it does snow i let Daniel do all the driving while i hold on for dear life to the "oh shit" bar. It's given that name for when kids are learning to drive and they scare the crap out of a parent sitting innocently in the passenger seat who can't control anything. I look just like one of those parents i feel because im clenching the seat with my left hand and grabbing the handle above the door with my right hand as i make a face that only you can imagine as being and "I'M GOING TO DIE!!!" face! Let me just tell you Daniel isn't a bad driver, It's the snow that makes the cars go sliding all over the place. I don't want to drive in it because i don't think i would react so calm and collected as he does when the car doesn't brake and STOP when we want it to. Instead it goes sliding forward racing toward the back of the car in front of us. During this Daniel is calm and adjusting with it to make us not hit the back, but see all i can think of in this moment is death is staring me in the eyes, not "what do i do to fix this" SO i am very glad that he is enjoying the weather driving.

With the snow finally here and more to come, that means that the holidays are coming as well. I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that i wont be near my family for Thanksgiving. I have never been away from my family for holidays and with the last 6 years of my life i have come to love and appreciate my family. I admire my grandparents and love being around them, even just for the everyday stuff. Holidays though have become even more of an importance to me since getting sick. The day my doctors finally knew i had cancer was the day before thanksgiving, they told my mom that there was something wrong but wouldn't tell her what or how serious until we went in about a week later to meet with my surgeon. That year my sisters and i started this tradition of we dress up all fancy like and we sit on the couch all cuddled together laughing, telling secrets, taking pictures, watching movies together and listening to the banter of the adults in the kitchen. We love this time of year probably more than any other time of the whole year. we watch grandpa as he dresses in grandma's apron that we pick out for him (usually the frilly one with lace on the border and it looks real cute haha). We watch grandma as she makes the yummy yams and beans. We watch mom as she dances in the kitchen to the christmas music playing and as she plays the nintendo ds during breaks of pulling things out of the oven. We sing songs, dance, drink cider, snack on yummy snacks and just enjoy the company of each other. Football is on in the background sometimes for grandpa when we haven't convinced him to play card games with us. Then we sit down to dinner and dinner is filled with stories, laughter, peace, and comfort. This is something i love so much to be apart of and this year Daniel and i will not be able to go to be near any family. Daniel's sister and her husband, who live in town are going to salt lake to be with his family and we wanted to be able to save our money for christmas to go to Cali. The ward is having a dinner but i feel like the people here aren't sincere really. i guess you get it everywhere but here it seems like people don't really talk to you unless it's for like a second. It is also because most of them know each other and have been in the ward for years. Non of the new people in the ward really go and so you just have your cliques. This is hard for me to come to grips with that it will just be us and Daniel's football. (not that it's bad, just it's not what i am use to) It's even more hard this season because with grandma being sick i feel bad that i am not home to be there with her and help her out with things like she needs. I worry constantly that something is going to happen to those grandparents of mine and i wont be there. Times are changing and as we are all growing up things are changing in each of our lives. Brylee could be going off to utah to be with our dad and Brook will be home alone with no sisters. This moving on thing is scary to think about sometimes and dealing with change is something i want but not sure how to handle sometimes. I know we will be there in about 6 weeks for Christmas, which is up there as the top or tied with Thanksgiving for the top. But then there is the fear again that my sister might be in utah. She has to go for half of her break overtime and she doesn't get to choose when it is. we will be there for the first half of her break and leaving when the second half starts.

As for the season feelings and cravings, i have also been craving turkey and stuffing. I made dinner the other night and it was really great. We are getting new seasonings and experimenting with all our foods. We both seemed to like this meal. The funny thing was we were hungry and so i made dinner and then when it was done and ready to eat we didn't feel like eating, so i put it in containers and ate it later and the next day. STILL GOOD i might add.

Anyway i just looked at the time and realized i should have been in bed an hour ago and need to get sleep to start the busiest week of the whole semester. Please if you could do somethings for me.

First- keep a feeling of love in your heart this season for those in your family and who are near you.

Second- keep a prayer for my grandmother and friend Luis that they can have strength to fight their relapses and that the doctors will know what to do to help them recover. I need both of them in my life still and they need all the help we can give them to have that strength and positive attitudes.

Love to you all and best wishes through out your week!

Love the Longs!!!

Issue 50 11-14-11

Spook Tastic!

So there is in fact a reason i didn't update last week. I knew that there was events and things happening on Saturday that i wanted to add to the update and from that something else came out of it that was good and i wanted to wait to get that in here as well. So it's now a whole week later and i am JUST NOW getting to the post. So because of that there will still be two posts for this week but one of them will be the actual update. The other is a campaign im going to start working on soon and will be putting information up for you all to see. Enough about that for right now, and onto the update. So last week was uneventful... well other than me falling and being in great pain! Thursday when i was leaving my last class of the day i fell because i stepped to early going up cement stairs from class, and i landed right on my knees! Came straight home to ice it. Daniel and i had been planning on going to the haunted mill out here, which is an old pancake mill that hasn't been used for years other than this haunted season. We had the last night to get cheap tickets and didn't want to pass it up because Daniel really wanted to give me something that i normally do for this season. So i wrapped the knee, bundled up, and we went on an adventure through the haunted mill. I had Daniel in front of me so that i didn't trip again and in hopes that he would block the scary people from jumping out at me. I didn't really think about it till afterwards, but they don't jump out at the first person because they like to scare as many as possible from the back. GREAT! So these creepy looking creatures that i wanted to have nowhere near me, kept creeping closer and closer to me and would reach out and grab my arm or touch my face. I almost punched one of the dumb creatures because he was coming right for me and i saw him doing it. I knew what he was going to do, but he touched me and it really creeped me out so i jumped, screamed a bit, and nearly punched him in the face! There was also a lot of stairs and crawling around and so when we got out i was warn out. We came home and had hot choco, did some homework and went to bed. Friday i was in bed most the day not really wanting to do anything but sleep. My friend came over from class and we played video games for an hour or so. Then Saturday came! I didn't go to work because i wanted one day to sleep in with Daniel. When we finally did get up, he left to take a test and i started decorating myself. 1pm came around and i was totally ready to get going to the party that wasn't until 730 that night.

So i decided to be a ZOMBIE WIFE! The hottest one around. I had my heels on and my knee brace with sexy grey make up. Stephanie and Justin called like 20 mins before we left for the party and asked if they could come over for a game night. We told them to come crash our ward party as well. So they did. We ended up leaving the party early so i could come home and ice my leg but not before this couple came up to us and asked us if we needed a couch. He comes up to us and was like " so do you guys need a couch? I noticed the other day when i was there that you had nothing really, and we have two, so you can come check it out and take one for free". We were like sure! Who could turn down a free couch? lol Then after he left to tell his wife that we would come over sometime, Daniel and i turned to each other to ask "Do we know him? He came over? Who is he?" We had no clue who this person was. Then after listening to others talking to him and calling him by his name it finally clicked that he was in the priesthood presidency and came over like 3 days before to meet us. So we started heading out and the bishop stopped us to tell us to take some pumpkins home with us. I LOVE pumpkin seeds and every year i get my hand on as many pumpkins as i can just for the seeds. So Daniel, not knowing we were getting them, bought me one earlier that day. On our way out he got one, i got one, and Justin picked one up for us to take home as well. So we all came home and laid the blankets out on the floor like we do for movies and the four of us watched movies after of course we piled in the car to go on a candy run to the store before it closed. Then after everyone had left the party that night Daniel went out there and got one more. Then on Sunday he came across this recipe that needed to be cooked in the pumpkin and the ones that we had were too small, so he went and got another one. Now we have 7 pumpkins and 3 are carved.

So all week we have been trying to meet up with our new friends to get the couch and it's been hard because of our schedules but tonight we ran over there right as they were leaving for ward temple night and we picked up a couch. So now we are grown ups and we have a fully furnished apartment. We have another couch waiting for us that we will have to pay a tiny amount for, but its seven in a half feet long. I figure it's great because of all the people we have over and then we can have several couples sitting on couches and we can now do movie nights as well as all the other activities we do. I counted that we could very comfortably fit 14 people in our place with each of them having a place to sit that isn't on the ground, and we don't have to have people bring chairs over anymore. This weekend we are having temple night Friday, and then Saturday we are planning a game night for about 13 people and we have invited about 18 or 20. So yeah weekends are great around our place!!!! Then next week Daniel has a game on Friday night and i don't really like the idea of sitting out in the cold watching him while i freeze in the wind, while snow is falling, SO, i have planned a girls night with all of my girl friends up here and we will have fun. Anyway that is our last two weeks and ill be posting soon. Hope you are all doing well. Love you and best wishes.


issue 49 11-2-2011